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LSU ISSUES FORMAL APOLOGY TO ALABAMA

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THESE ACTIONS WERE ALL COMMITTED BY A SMALL MINORITY OF LSU FANS. ALL OF THEM.

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Coach Saban,

We hope you enjoyed your visit to Tiger Stadium, America's greatest sporting environment. Alabama played the game with class and with dignity, and gave the collected fans a real show. For that we thank you, and look forward to seeing you next year in Tuscaloosa. (Hopefully with a better result for our Tigers!)

Unfortunately, some pockets of fans tarnished the image of this great university by directing a profane chant at you. For that, we are sorry. That is the antithesis of what we represent here at LSU. If it occurs in the future, those responsible will be removed from the stadium and banned from future LSU games.

Those who threw gourds full of urine and gasoline at the team bus will be reprimanded. The gourds will be recycled in accordance with our "Going Green In Red Stick" campaign, most likely in the form of rich, nourishing compost.

Additionally, those fans who defamed the reputation of this university by chanting "We'll get you a stepstool so you can fuck an armadillo" will be banned from all future LSU competitions. This does not reflect our values, either.

We further apologize for the following chants, as well.

  • "Dickshakes and titquakes, Saban's pooped himself a shitcake"
  • "Laissez les bon temps rouler; we'll kidnap your kids one day"
  • "Flap your hands and bitch some more/ Your AOL password's 1-2-3-4"
  • "Hot boudin makes mean poop-poops/We never lost to Bobby Stoops"
  • (East side of stadium) "BAMA" (West side of stadium) "WILL HAVE ITS LEGS BROKEN AND BE DUMPED INTO AN ABANDONED CREOSOTE FURNACE WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR IT"
  • "Bitch I'm from Louisiana/ Bitch I'm from Louisiana/ My grandma cut your brake lines/ Bitch I'm from Louisiana"
  • "You were a mediocre NFL coach"

We deny any affiliation with the Louisiana Swamp-Wolf who deflated the tires on your team buses. His name is Lonnie, and he went to Monroe. And an attorney with a reputation for vicious motion practice. We'd advise you to just let this one go. Swamp-wolves don't lose many cases when it comes to Napoleonic Code.

The small minority of fans bowhunting in the concourses for Alabama fans have been banned from future events. Though LSU medical staff offered, Mr. Stabler refused all treatment for his head wound, and denied he had even been shot in the first place. Please let us know if he's okay.

The hospital bills of the trainer run over by a passing Mardi Gras float will be paid in full by the LSU Athletic Department. We don't know how it got into the locker room, much less how it got to an estimated 35 miles an hour in twenty feet of hallway, but the LSU police are looking into it.

We further apologize for the actions of LSU Hulk, LSU Thanos, LSU Lobo, LSU Deadpool, and LSU Rorschach. Especially LSU Deadpool.

We further apologize that the envelope containing this letter is laced with ricin, cocaine, and confectioner's sugar. I was busy making a King Cake for my cousin, who is a Falcons fan.

We will pay all cleaning bills resulting from you being splashed with hot gumbo in the third quarter thrown from the stands. That was made by our cousin from Ruston, who lives north of I-10 and can't cook for dick. You deserve to be hit by authentic Louisiana cuisine at its finest, and we recognize that.

The abduction of Lane Kiffin postgame is also an ongoing investigation. Or it isn't. You let us know how hard you want us to look, okay? This one's on us either way.

Roll Tide and Go Tigers,

Joe Alleva

LSU