clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

PAUL JOHNSON'S ALMANAC

New, 1015 comments

A USEFUL GUIDE FOR OH FUCK IT JUST READ IT

Michael Shroyer

ON THE EARLY ONSET OF WINTER FOR 2014

Winter will come sooner than usual for 2014. Or it won't. Either way you need to get off my porch, mister. That dog barks and this Mossberg bites.

ON THE SKIES (FALL 2014/WINTER 2015 WATCH)

Look for Mercury to rise slowly in the east just above the horizon, a tiny prick of red light about the size of David Cutcliffe's dick and just about as hard to find.

ON REPAIRING A LEAKY ROOF

Christ, you're picky. Go sit in the car if you don't like it.

ON HOW TO WASH YOUR HANDS

Like my daddy said, "Water's the universal solvent, but acid's the one that burns the prints off your fingers so the county man can't find your still."

ON HOW TO WASH YOUR FEET

Don't. Crocodiles have filthy feet and they've outlived almost every other creature on this dang ball of mud.

ON GIVING A TOAST

Get to the point and move on without drawing too much attention to yourself.

ON STABBING A MAN

Get to the point and move on without drawing too much attention to yourself.

ON FLEXIBILITY

You ever see a possum stretch before it gets hit by a car or licks a live power wire? Be more like the possum.

Speaking of:

ON ITEMS THAT CAN BE PICKLED FOR WINTER

  • Possum
  • Steak
  • Shoes
  • Not beets, fuck beets
  • Horse
  • Squirrel
  • Bear eggs
  • Hatred
  • Tar
  • Tears
  • Tarragon
  • Moon Pies
  • Haters

ON KEEPING UP WITH OLD FRIENDS IN THE NEW YEAR

No.

BEST FISHING DAYS

With dynamite the answer is: Every day.

BEST FISHING BAIT

If your Fish and Wildlife man is on your ass, use some chicken liver soaked in a little garlic powder and whisky. Throw a jar full of it into his car. Be sure to throw it hard. Bears'll turn that thing into the inside of a blender you made a poop smoothie in in a matter of minutes.

BEST JOKES BETWEEN FRIENDS

Does a bear shit in the woods? No, he shits in your car. Fuck you, Ranger Jackwagon McDickface.

ON REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS

Jesus was born on December 25th and David Allan Coe on September 6th. That means David Allan Coe's older and gets to sit in the front seat. Quit whining and buckle up, JC.

OBSTETRICS

Treat it like a hostage crisis: use smoke bombs and be prepared with a chopper.

P.S. The chopper is for you. Attend no births not involving livestock which may be sold for profit.

ON NATURAL REMEDIES

--Handful of carpentry nails. Iron attracts the sickness. Lead prevents overactive thinkin'. Pointiness identifies weak spots in intestinal lining.

--Water

--Sleep. You might get lucky and die. If you don't it's the next best thing.

--Death. Not sick anymore, are you?

ON ORGANIC GARDENING

Eat shit. That's organic enough for you, right?