I DON'T WANT TO WAIT

Earlier this week, Twitter user Colton West unearthed high school yearbook photos of former Texas Tech standout quarterback / current Texas Tech (standout?) head coach / all-time dreamboat Kliff Kingsbury back when he was a New Braunfels Unicorn.

EDSBS contributors / men-who-sometimes-struggle-to-explain-to-their-significant-others-their-fascination-with-a-mid-level-Big XII-coach Ohholybutt and ActionCookbook are here to discuss.

OHB: I always knew he was a unicorn.

ACB: No, that's the school's actual mascot.

OHB: Did they name it after the way he looks?

ACB: He looks like he's in a '90s teen drama.  Which, funny enough, I was rummaging through Kliff's household trash the discount bin at Best Buy the other day, and I found this:

OHB: Were things in black-and-white back then? Or was it just easier to Photoshop this way?

ACB: Dude, we're doing a thing here.

OHB: Oh, right, right.

ACB: Let's revisit some of these timeless teen classics!

S1E1: PILOT

Quiet, sensitive backup quarterback Kliff Kingsbury is thrust into the spotlight after New Braunfels' star quarterback Bort Porterhouse is killed by a bear while in the Whataburger drive-through line, putting Kliff into the starting role.

OHB: That feels a lot like the premise to both Varsity Blues and Friday Night Lights, you know.

ACB: No, that's how it happens, though. The rules of succession for Texas high school quarterbacks are very clear, someone has to die or be horribly injured. It's like being a queen or an Al-Qaeda #3.

OHB: Well, this show did come out before those, anyways. They probably copied Kliff!

S1E2: KLIFF GOES GRUNGE

After a bad loss in his first game at quarterback, Kliff is struggling to survive in the limelight and decides he should carve out a niche for himself. Suffice it to say, getting really into Candlebox and not washing his clothes doesn't make him any more popular among his peers.

OHB: People that grew up in the '90s are going to have a hard time explaining so many things to their children. Mostly the pictures of them smoking weed but also, like, Pokémon and "Nebraska used to be good" and stuff.

ACB: I looked good in flannel, though.

OHB: You didn't and neither did anyone else.

S1E3: HAIL MARY

Kliff becomes a prominent member of the local youth group because this hot chick at school is super into Jesus. Kliff is heard cussing during Bible study, however, and is given a stern talking to by the youth leader right in front of Mary.

ACB: Is this, uh, related to an old memory of yours, buddy?

OHB: Fuck you and fuck First Baptist.

S1E4: BLACK AND BLUE (DA BA DEE)

After the big homecoming game win over Alamo Heights, Kliff and the gang sneak into a rave - a night that ends in the emergency room when teammate Ricky overdoses on laughing gas. Kliff gets a lecture on decision-making from the Unicorns' legendary alumni, college star Brian Branch (guest star Ryan Leaf).

S1E5: STATE FAIR

OHB: This episode was just them eating fair food the whole time.

ACB: I loved it.

S1E6: GETTING OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT(BALL)

Kliff and the gang show up for practice, only to find that their field is being used for...  soccer!? After a tense interaction with the roundball rascals, Kliff is able to broker a peace with the soccer captain (a young Clint Dempsey) when they discover a shared love of "that ole ole ole song". They end up watching the 1998 World Cup together.

ACB: Fuckin' French.

S1E7: I WILL REMEMBER YOU

Lost in the moment after a late game touchdown drive to beat Judson, Kliff forgets to feed his Tamagotchi before heading out with some friends to celebrate. Kliff is devastated upon returning to find his dead friend, and learns a valuable lesson about responsibility and staying focused.

Then he hits reset.

OHB: Dark one.

S1E8: THE ONE WHERE THAT OTHER GUY KILLS A RAPIST

In a side plot, geeky benchwarmer Landry sees a man attempt to rape his crush Lyla and kills him with a pipe and they dump the body in a -

OHB: Dude that one's actually just a Friday Night Lights episode.

ACB: Yeah I just wanted to throw it in here because it's dumber than anything we're coming up with.

S1E9: DIALING...

Bottle episode where Kliff spends the entire 43-minute run getting busy signals while attempting to log into AOL.

S1E10: THE TELETHON

As part of a telethon contest to win tickets to the big Goo Goo Dolls concert, Kliff throws footballs through a tire swing for 14 hours and injures his rotator cuff in the process.

ACB: btb

OHB: same

S1E11/12: KLIFFHANGER

Midseason finale/second-half premiere. Kliff and his buddies get in the X Games spirit and go rock-climbing in the Canyonlands. Kliff and teammate Flexx are stranded on a bluff after a rockslide.

While stranded on the bluff, Kliff hallucinates a conversation with Roger Staubach, and realizes how he can lead his friends to safety - and the Unicorns to the State Title.

S1E13: KLIFF BARS

Kliff gets busted trying to sneak into a bar on a Saturday night with a fake ID. He gets out of trouble because the cops recognize him and know the big game against Canyon is next Friday, but when the principal catches wind of the story, he has a decision to make. Will the principal put athletic glory over his integrity?

ACB: So did he?

OHB: Yeah dude it's Texas

ACB: We should probably start skipping ahead.

OHB: Yeah the episodes started to go downhill, they got shifted to 10pm Friday nights and the writers got desperate.

S1E17: KLIFF, YOU'RE GETTING A DELL

ACB: Really kinda sold out trying to keep it on the air.

OHB: I liked the episode where he just modeled JNCOs the whole time, though.

S1E20: PROMISE RING

After a season of will-they, won't they romantic tension, Kliff and his girlfriend finally go "all the way" at the top of a jammed Ferris Wheel at the state fair.

ACB: Reminds me of high school. Except I was in my room eating a whole pizza alone.

S1E22: (Season Finale):

Kliff argues with his girlfriend, who thinks that he should pursue bigger dreams, and try to play college football for a national title contender like Michigan or Florida. After a night of soul-searching, Kliff ends up talking to a mysterious stranger in a diner (guest star Leann Rimes) who reminds him he couldn't live without Texas.

OHB: Man, the '90s were a long time ago.