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SOUTH BEND HORROR STORY

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BE CAREFUL IN INDIANA, IT'S FULL OF DEMONS I MEAN PROBABLY, I'M NOT GOING TO CHECK, ARE YOU

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

BRIAN KELLY:  Heck, that was a tough loss to Florida State. Tough to regroup after a setback like that, especially when you know for certain that you were beat fair and square.

JACK SWARBRICK: Well, fortunately we've got Navy this week. That'll be a nice breather, considering our stout historical record against them.

KELLY: Still, I'm gonna need some time beforehand to gameplan, get away from the hustle and bustle of South Bend.

SWARBRICK: Let me see what I can do.

[two days later]

KELLY: [picks up phone] Jeez, Jack, this is the place you booked? I said I wanted a quiet country retreat!

SWARBRICK: Look, Brian, you've gotta be realistic. Do you know how hard it is to find a cabin in Northern Indiana that isn't currently a meth lab?

KELLY: This place looks haunted.  But I guess it's better than Lafayette.

[he heads inside]

KELLY: Boy, this place gives me the creeps. Hey, a desk! What's this strange-looking book?

[picks up book]

"The Wit and Wisdom of Willingham"

[throws book into fireplace without opening]

KELLY: Hey, what's this other book?

KELLY: Creepy. Hey, a mysterious reel-to-reel recorder!  [hits play]

RECORDED VOICE: I, Professor Robert Davie, have begun my translation of the Notredamicon Ech-Mortis, the legendary "Book of the Echoes". The legends hold that all seasons of Irish football can be summoned from the dead through its ancient invocations. The text reads "Convocate filii Notre Dame Cantate ei , et psallite ei gloriam, famam, Conculcent eam auro, hyacintho, Et in bono cum vero voces Quae mala sunt, mala sunt, nam Notre Dame, In ludum bis - ev pugnabimus, fortis vero cordis et nomen eius, Nos exstat, obliviscitur, Et exhilarabo eam semper. Et adhesit Notre Dame, Gaudete, quia veteres animo Notre Dame, Esto vigilans et obsurdescent nomine ciens- oh no...  OH NO"

[the cabin shakes]

RECORDED VOICE: I fear the legends are true...  the echoes have awoken!

GHOULISH, DISEMBODIED VOICE: NOW FACE THE ECHOES OF IRISH SEASONS PAST.

[Dayne Crist pass bangs against cabin window, but bounces off harmlessly, the window remaining intact]

KELLY: Well that's not too scary, I suppo-

CLAUSEN: Heya coach, how's thi-

KELLY: AHHHHH

DISEMBODIED VOICE: HEY THAT ONE WASN'T MINE

KELLY: I DON'T CARE KILL IT

MANTI TE'O, appearing: Uh, hi.

KELLY: Are you going for a ghost girlfriend joke here, because that's pretty weak

VOICE: NO I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU OF THE ALABAMA GAME

KELLY: Dick

GERRY FAUST, appearing: BEWARE, BRIAN. YOU TIRED OF A QUIET, SCHOLARLY LIFE IN THE BIG EAST, BUT TO COACH NOTRE DAME IS TO TRADE YOUR SOUL FOR EARTHLY PLEASURE

KELLY: and so this one's just like a cheap Faust pun or

DISEMBODIED VOICE: QUIT BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL

KELLY: Look, honestly, this stuff actually isn't that bad.  I mean, yeah, this job has some baggage to it, but every successful program deals with high expectations and second-guessing and the occasional bad hire, but that doesn't mean that we're haunted, now, does it?

VOICE: ARE YOU CALLING THE ECHOES' BLUFF

KELLY: I'm just saying that I can handle this.

VOICE: READ THAT LAST PAGE THEN, SMART GUY

KELLY: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulou Br'stl wgah'nagl fhtagn... [looks at Davies' notes]  In his house at Bristol, Cthulou waits dreami-

[walls of cabin burst open]

CTHULOU: I THINGA NOBBE DAING GOBBE A FLAYOBB TEAM THIB YEAH

KELLY: [running from cabin, calling agent] BOOK ME A FLIGHT TO GAINESVILLE