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Gregory Shamus

Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brandon is a busy man, with important duties that include (file not found). But a responsive administrator knows the importance of keeping up his correspondence. Brandon was kind enough to preview some of this week's games for us via email.

RE: Alabama at Ole Miss

Of particular relevance to Michigan in this game: how to eliminate, as Ole Miss has to a large extent, the obvious stain of a once-treasured and now-reviled and evil way of life and philosophy from the very fabric of a brand. I speak of the spread offense. We shall overcome. I just want to examine how we start in an effective and proactive manner.

P.S. Nothing is "ole-er" than Michigan Football. The dinosaurs were wiped out by Fielding Yost and Gertrude, his mighty oak branch of discipline.

RE: Texas A&M-Mississippi State

If you think football's more important that handbell choir syncopation, by all means. Those bumpkins couldn't jangle out a rudimentary version of "Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming" if their miserable lives depended on it

P.S. Kevin Sumlin eats burritos with his hands. It's repulsive.

RE: Florida at Tennessee

Please scout Florida's formidable and passionate coach. He reminds me of Bo. Additionally please determine which sugared carbonated beverage Tennessee fans exchange for tickets in lieu of currency, because they cannot possibly believe in money. That is gold standard country and even marriages work primarily on barter. Do not bother with Tennessee's coach; he deigned to enter into congress with a lesser directional Michigan.

RE: Purdue at Illinois

Violation of the laws of war though it may be, the dormitory television system will play this on a continuous loop until the rabble-rousers cease their public displays. Die upon this Boilermade hill if you dare, students.

RE: Ohio State at Maryland

Campus police have determined that the attempts to fax human feces to our office have been made from the same telephone number associated with your email address. God forbid you lobotomites ever figure out the postal system.

P.S. Another viable candidate for our head coaching position to scout. Pay attention to his fourth down demeanor in particular; Randy Edsall is among our nation's most stoic football punters.

RE: Navy at Air Force

The subdivision of our nation's armed forces is a sad and unduly complicated structure. If elected President, I will reorganize our fighting forces into THE AMERICA TEAM, SPONSORED BY CONAGRA AND SIEMENS. (We only fight one night war per decade, to enhance the invaded-territory experience.)

RE: Oklahoma at TCU

Feel out Bob Stoops for obviously deserved interest in the Michigan head coaching job. Probability of success here is high; but "#B1G Game Bob" branding and attendant merchandise sales projections is simply too good to resist.

And someone please report this disgusting tumescent frog to federal authorities.

RE: Stanford at Notre Dame

As I have noted in several newsletters, the U.S. News rankings are based on deeply flawed methodology, which overvalues Stanford's science and technical departments and ignores Michigan's competitiveness with Notre Dame in the field of making out with someone who is wearing two sweatshirts because you are mildly depressed.

RE: LSU at Auburn

Have we considered a second disinformation campaign spreading negative rumors about Leslie Miles, and thus eliminating any insurgency campaign supporting those who wish to see him reigning o'er Schembechler Hall? This is spitballing, but consider:

--Waited three hours in an 18th century wardrobe just to slap Lloyd Carr at an antique store
--Engaged in sex with Gary Moeller's wife, AND did not fill out the appropriate paperwork with the Big Ten Conference prior to the liason
--Is from Ohio (we have documentation to support this, I believe?)
--Has only read the prose version of The Iliad. No, this is too far. Forgive my momentary lack of scruples.

Does not wear a tuxedo while enjoying games of chance such as "bin-go" or "swim-ming"

RE: Cal at Washington State
Charles de Montesquieu once wrote: "It is not the young people that degenerate; they are not spoiled till those of mature age are already sunk into corruption." As standard-bearers of the True American West. we cannot allow the excesses of our culture to bleed into our eyeballs from the decadent False West of the Left Coast. These two teams represent all that is wrong and misguided with our consumer culture. Off-topic; has the third flatscreen been repaired in my suite yet? To wait two days for such a trifle is beneath the standards we fight so hard to preserve here. It is not my fault it cannot withstand a challenge from a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue.

P.S. Restock our Johnnie Walker Blue immediately.

RE: Hawaii at Rice

This reminds me of a playfully ethnic joke Julie Hermann told me the other week. It's better in person; I'll tell you after we go to the police horse auction.