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If you think academics don't matter in college football, then what about the Virginia Tech offense's year long "Salute To Jamestown?"

Check the birth certificate and I bet you'll find out his name's actually Sct Leffler.

Just go tell Frank Beamer someone's raiding his still and change the locks while he's gone.

Virginia Tech lost so bad to hurricanes that Brad Pitt bought a house in Blacksburg.

Damn, East Carolina struggled with the UConn like they were in a Jack London novel.

Usually when 82 meets 27 in Texas the kids end up hiring a lawyer to contest the will.

Marcus Mariota's only been picked off once, but James Garfield didn't make it to the national championship either.

Cal's the mall cop of the Pac-12 - they've got uniforms but technically can't stop you.

Man, Nick Marshall's got that Auburn offense smokin', don't he?

I bet Auburn fans shop at Bass Pro Shops because they think Cabelas is a Mexican restaurant.

Bo Wallace's real name is "William Wallace," in case you wondered why it's appropriate he got his guts ripped out in front of an audience.

I guess he's a real physician if Dr. Bo had to leave the state of Mississippi to perform a real abortion.

Call Ole Miss David Vitter since he shit himself in Louisiana.

Gary Patterson needs to call a doctor because that definitely lasted longer than four hours.

At least your offense is the universal blood donor, Texas.

No, I think it's important to hire someone with Michigan ties for the job. Mike Debord. The Unabomber. You know, someone familiar.

Last time Bill Snyder held a team scoreless was when he founded the Shakers.

Dabo's havin' a little trouble with his offense, so it's good that he's already defensive enough for twenty-two men.

Then again, I believe there's always been no need to defend Clemson.

Best part of that UNC win over Virginia? Counts as a final paper on the Great Fire of London.

"Losing to Illinois" is the worst Hold Steady song ever, Minnesota.

Now Tim Beckman's gotten a treat off the counter. He's gonna think he's people now.

Don't feel bad, Michigan. Mufasa had trouble with little brother too.

Burned by a stake is more of a Notre Dame thing, historically speaking, but trying new things can't hurt at this point, Michigan.

They're not zeroes on the scoreboard, Maryland, they're turtle eggs. Look: Randy Edsall just invented oviparous football.

New Year's must be confusing as hell at Pitt, what with the ball dropping five times.

Law says it's not arson if you built the structure that got incinerated, and that's why Lane Kiffin's a free man.

Not a good idea to hold out one finger to Tennessee fans, though. Rabies shots still hurt like the devil.

Shame they don't play in Athens for the Florida/Georgia rivalry. Someone can finally show Will Muschamp how to bury eight in an endzone. (UGA VIII for the two point conversion.)

I don't think Auburn cheated at the end of the game. That would mean their players recognize numbers.

Dang, Joey Bosa threw Penn State out of the way like his name was Bill O'Brien.

End of the game got pretty dicey there for Penn State, but those fans love having a coach they can insist didn't know what was happening.

Hey Florida State coaches: if you want your offensive line to block better, just name the man across from your guy "investigation."

Firing Will Muschamp is a shame, especially when he was our first Somali coach.

Showing up at the wrong time and delivering a lukewarm product on Saturday nights? Steve Sarkisian, Michigan athletic director, sounds better than I thought it would.

Call Les Miles Jane Austen because no one can read him, either.

Call Les Miles Sir Mix-A-Lot because he prefers being behind.

Call Les Miles Congress because he doesn't care about the deficit.

Call Les Miles Sebastian Vettel because he only needs to make two passes a week.

Call Les Miles Wright Thompson because he always wears a hat and makes Mississippians cry.

Call Les Miles Darth Vader because he'll choke a Rebel.

Call Les Miles fatal to your dog because he's pure anti-Freeze.

Call Les Miles the broken pinball machine because he always eats your last quarter.

Cal Les Miles Germany because he doesn't speak English, has two losses, and still has more money than you.

Call Les Miles happiness because he isn't coming back to Michigan, either.