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Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

ONCE AGAIN AUBURN'S CHEATIN' THEIR WAY TO THE TOP, PAWWWWWL. The SEC conceded that South Carolina should've had a second (and closer) shot at the last play of the game against Auburn because two Tigers on the field were both wearing number 1. That's how I know them Barners don't deserve the top ranking. They just use that number for nefarious ends as usual.

URBAN LIAR CHEATIN' TOO. "Due to some technical difficulties with the equipment" actually means "Jerry left the TV on the wrong input so we've been watching his DVD copy of Father of the Bride II all night." There is no foul on Diane Keaton for stealing our hearts.

ARMY? CHEATIN', OF COURSE. If you want to play for the Black Knights, you need to understand it's not like being part of another FBS program, with the booze and the women and the cash from boosters. Sure, there are those things. but you also get to lose to Wake Forest!

YOUR CHEATIN' BUTT. "It's pretty round," Bulldogs coach Dan Mullen, who clearly knows all the words to Baby Got Back and isn't even pretending otherwise, said. "And big."

THIS IS JUST GOOD PUBLIC POLICY, THOUGH. See, Bama cares about feedin' the hungry and shelterin' the homeless. Sure, not all the homeless can win national championships and recruit the best players in the country, but that's really on them. (The Crimson Tide Foundation declined comment when asked who had the power disconnected to the property for six days following the Sugar Bowl.)

ETC. We can fit every planet in the Solar System between the Earth and the Moon and we should go get a space crane and make this happen. That way, we can move between planets and avoid comets, which smell fucking terrible.