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SUGGESTED ACC COASTAL TIEBREAKERS

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THESE ARE ALL FREE YOU'RE WELCOME

Scott Cunningham

The possibility of every team in the ACC Coastal going 4-4 in conference play remains remote, but not eliminated. Therefore, we have taken it upon ourselves to design several fair and rational tiebreakers to be used in the event that records alone do not produce a representative who will get smacked around by Florida State in the ACC Championship. 
(Please note that these tiebreakers do not account for ECU kidnapping Pitt and demanding their place in the Coastal. The Atlantic representative may file a complaint in this process. If complainant is Florida State, the league office will look at it in like, oh, we dunno, like a year or so if we get around to it.)

- First to capture a live UVA sparklehorse. And we do mean LIVE, Paul Johnson. None of that hooking up a car battery to a dead one stuff.

- Live game of Jenga with actual terrapins. (Per Commissioner Swofford, the turtles will be injured because "fuck Maryland.")

- 500 word essay on "What The Coastal Division Means To Me." You can just skip this one, UNC.

- First one to sweat through a pair of okay this one is just to knock Miami out we'll admit it.

- Best karaoke rendition of "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart. True, David Cutcliffe has an unfair advantage here because he wrote the song. But that was a different time. A different life.

- In event of a five-step tiebreaker yielding no results, a game of Wheel of Fortune will determine the winner. By rule, North Carolina will be granted no "D."

- Identify the true identity of the Hokie Strangler, subject of a decades-long unsolved case involving the occult, police corruption, and ok yeah it's Scot Loeffler he did it.

- Notre Dame shall be subject to league rules just like every other team. Shut up, you're in the ACC now, stop leaving your shit over here and pretending like we're not fucking. You're making brunch awkward.

- The "Blacksburg Tiebreaker" will no longer be used as the 16th step in breaking ACC Coastal ties after everyone agreed that hanging a cinder block off the penis was too hazardous an activity, and that what Bud Foster does in his own house is his own business.

- Whale meat eating contest. (Do not ask Mike London where he got all this whale meat. There's an underground police auction world you don't want to know about.)

- 27th step: if no tie is broken by this point, first to produce Todd Graham's extensive BBW VHS pornography collection shall be allotted the spot in the title game. Note: if tie is not broken by 27th step, hell, just give it to Pitt, have a heart for once in your life.

- If all of these steps do not produce a Coastal representative, the Conference will send Pepper Rodgers sitting on top of Al Groh's shoulders. They will be given a post-digger to defend themselves and enough rations to last five days.


Alternatively, we will decide the Coastal winner by uninformed democracy, using the following poll: