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Congratulations to Virginia Tech for giving their lives over to Chryst last Thursday.

You'd think Heinz Field wouldn't be such a tough place for the coach who blocked two punts at the Battle of Verdun.

That's Baylor's fault for going to West Virginia during bear season. (Sept 27-Nov 22).

Dana Holgorsen ain't had an upset like that since divorce court.

Morgantown's like a scented candle that can steal your car. The scent is "Dad Forgot Your Birthday."

Why don't they call 'em Sleep Forest?

Just when you think they've run out of new sex positions, you see Minnesota's on top of the Big Ten.

I thought Duke Virginia was the name Mike Price used at hotels.

Last time Bill Snyder worked a point that hard Julius Caesar died.

Nice of Bama to honor George Wallace's memory by shuttin' out Kevin Sumlin.

Put out a string of zeros like that, Texas A&M, and Pearl Harbor better get bombed.

Lotta people who think football was born in Texas gonna be real shocked when the birth certificate lists Nick Saban as "Daddy."

Can't remember Alabama putting up 59 outside of a geography test before.

Zero was invented in India, but the Aggies perfected it.

If football had seven quarters, the Aggies could have written the lyrics to Seven Nation Army chant on the scoreboard.

Lemme order for you, buddy. He'll take the Kevin Sumlin omelet. It's five goose eggs. Yeah, I know it costs $3.1 million.

I'll be honest, I didn't believe Urban Meyer when he said the stress at Florida got to him. Then I looked at Ohio State's schedule for the last month.

Look at that UCLA defense and tell me seriously California's having a drought.

I got Illinois football as a two TD dog to household bleach.

Guess Mark Dantonio hates driving through Indiana as much as the rest of us.

I've seen the meth statistics, and Connor ain't even the 10th most dangerous cook in Indiana.

Mark Richt's a good Christian, though, so I expect him to fall two more times.

Hutson Mason throws a mean ball for an architecture firm.

Don't know why Georgia fans are mad about the Gurley investigation dragging out. They've had that National Championship case file open since 1981.

Tennessee must be getting back to business. Had four turnovers in one sitting just like Phil Fulmer used to.

Ottoman Empire's gonna get to six wins before Florida does.

Least Florida fans can say they got fucked at Homecoming.

Not fair to yell "Fire Muschamp" during a game. Fire can burn through more than one yard at a time.

The difference between Will Muschamp and your lawn guy is your lawn guy doesn't make three million dollars for 20 yards.

Jimbo told Jameis to eat some Humble Pie, so go ahead and put that behind the bakery glass, Publix managers.

That last play against FSU shouldn't surprise anyone. NFL GMs will tell you Notre Dame been full of bad picks for decades.

Glad TPD doesn't run the review booth at Doak Campbell. A year's a long time to overturn a fumble.

Y'all shoulda known Jimbo didn't want to talk to the media when he tried to get the UAB job.

Jimbo's in the right place to grow a culture, though. Tallahassee hasn't been washed properly in decades.

You still get to call FSU a safety school, Notre Dame. Lord knows that's a word that doesn't apply to Brian Kelly.

The Chinese DVD title for Notre Dame is "Jesus Buys Northwestern."

I don't know why FSU thinks they aren't getting respect. You been to a prison yard lately?

Well, Bo Pelini, I can't argue your point. The SEC does kinda have a thing for incestuous relationships.

Guess Stanford's offense hasn't seen Spinal Tap.

Stanford's offense is putting up tens like they're the judges at the '88 NBA dunk contest.

David Shaw's just auditioning for the Florida job.

Like Will Muschamp's the first UGA representative that didn't make it to year five.

Call Will Muschamp the Army Corps of Engineers because he can drain a swamp in four years.

Call Will Muschamp Avatar because he made all his money in 2009 and now we're all kind of embarrassed about it. (Ain't nothing three dimensional about him, though.)

Call Will Muschamp the ASPCA because he doesn't beat dogs.

Call Will Muschamp the world's greatest craps player cause he can't roll sevens.

Call Will Muschamp the F-104 Starfighter because safe touchdowns and horrifying explosions are just as likely.

Call Will Muschamp Santa Claus because his January schedule is clear.

Call Will Muschamp the German language because he can't get a "W" right, either.

Call Will Muschamp Pixar cause he'll make you cry six times in two hours.

Call Will Muschamp coffee because he's gonna get canned in Jacksonville.