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HOW GEORGIA IS THIS CRIME

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AN ONGOING EDSBS EXAMINATION

Scott Cunningham

Today's headline "UGA student punches Athens cop." This one could go in a lot of directions. If the cop was part of an underground illegal fighting tournament, that skews more Louisiana than Georgia. But if the cop had double-crossed the student in an arrangement to smuggle surgical supplies, that's gotta be more Florida. It's a tough call!

Fortunately, we still have the Stipe-Ping Pyramid of Georgianity.

Georgia Pyramid

Question 1: Did the crime in question involve a vehicle? The answer, unfortunately, seems to be no - the arrested gentleman was on foot the whole time. Though there's no proof he wasn't coming from or headed to a vehicle. Still, we have to abide by the Pyramid, and that leaves us in the lower reaches of Neal Boortz for now.

Question 2: How Georgia is the arrestee's name? Our subject, Auston Odell McLeod, has a boatload of Georgia going for him - the intentionally alternate spelling in the first name, the middle name that has a good chance of being a family name on his mother's side, and a last name that is dripping in Protestant European heritage. This is the name of someone who runs for a state legislature seat on a platform of "no guns for welfare gays." Bump this up to upper Zaxby's level.

Question 3: What was the state of the arrestee's hair and dress? Unknown, as the article in question doesn't include a booking photo. Because he was breaking a gate at two in the morning to get into an apartment complex, we can only assume he was shirtless but still had a perfectly styled coif. But in the absence of more information, we can't adjust the level of this crime up or down.

Question 4: Are there other factors which enhance or decrease the Georgianity of the crime? Look, if you're going to escalate a non-violent crime by punching a law enforcement officer, you sure as shit better get away.

The officer was able to maintain control of the offender until backup arrived, police said.

That failure to escape puts Auston into Church territory on the Stipe-Ping Pyramid. (The fact that this officer is a woman has no bearing; attacking a cop is always a bad idea and if you honestly think women police officers can't hold their own ahahahahaha you are so screwed.)

And, of course, there are the usual charges for underage consumption of alcohol and possession of false identification. No student in Athens has carried their real ID in the last 17 years.

FINAL STIPE-PING DETERMINATION: If only you'd been ramming into a scooter into that gate and taken a mugshot in a half-popped polo shirt, Mr. McLeod. You could have really made a bid for Herschel status. Alas, the best we can give you is the upper third of Church.