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BLATANT HOMERISM: LSU

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WALT WALT---

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

1. We didn't watch the game. We were in Michigan, another team beset by poor play, incompetent management, and a sudden lack of people who can play football. They played another team with a sudden paucity of operational football players. Michigan won, but when two half-stocked football rosters combine the results feel just a little above random, and inconclusive. You could have told us this morning that Penn State won that game and we would have believed you. It would have felt just as right--which is to say, not right at all.

2. Someone told us that Florida was leading late and I made this laugh out loud without really controlling what was happening:

3. This paragraph is cut and pasted from several other repeating nightmares: teams doing things they previously were incapable of doing prior to playing Florida, like Leonard Fournette running the ball like he was supposed to all along for LSU, or the Tigers gaining 41 yards on 3rd and 25 against our defense; Jeff Driskel turning the ball over in crucial situations, again; crippling, stupid, and bitterly timed personal fouls; a random event bouncing the opponent's way at the worst possible moment. You make your own luck in life, and Will Muschamp football teams manufacture a highly radioactive variety capable of killing bystanders at a distance of a hundred miles.

The same bad thing happened again and will continue to happen and nothing has changed no matter how many different pieces land in the same rotten, stupid slots of a machine designed by an inept architect. Florida has lost nine of their last twelve games. This is a low and there will be more before it is over. We say this every fucking week. Every motherfucking week.

4. We're glad Latroy Pittman is okay because that looked terrifying.

5. There are only six more games of this, so be nice to the players. It's not their fault. You don't even have to watch. We don't want to watch, because it is unwatchable like a middle school band recital. This team is the clarinet player squeaking their reed every time they come close to hitting a note. They are Portsmouth Sinfonia, and you are under no obligation to listen. This is strictly for the hardcore who like watching a joke played out to its least tolerable theoretical limits. This is bad, very bad football. This is football Kabul and the rubble is no place to take your wife and kids on a weekend when you could be doing something else. That would be doing everything wrong in life.

6. We are going to homecoming against Mizzou because we do everything wrong in life.

7. Fire Will Muschamp. Go Gators.