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Streeter Lecka

North Gwinnett High School coach Bob Sphire is an ideas man, and we know this because when he found Dabo Swinney and Steve Spurrier overlapping on his campus, he devised an excellent business plan: get the two to wrestle and then charge admission. They didn't go for it, but the road to Yes is paved with many a No.

Perhaps the problem was that the scope was too small. Wrestling's a fine sport, but a fair competition would require multiple events so that one coach wouldn't have the advantage. (In case you're wondering: wrestling favors Spurrier because he doesn't care if his junk pops out of his singlet.) What we need is an entire olympiad of Dabo-OBC events:

- Archery (advantage, Dabo, for reasons we cannot disclose due to the terms of a settlement between Swinney and his middle school principal)

- Pole vault (advantage, Spurrier, because a joke about having sex with your aunt)

- Water polo (advantage, Dabo, because Spurrier's like a cat in that he refuses to get wet and he can sleep anywhere)

- Fencing (advantage, Spurrier, so long as he can use his Alien wedge)

- Table tennis (advantage unclear, mostly doing this so we can see both coaches in sweatbands)

- Drunk archery (separate event under South Carolina law, advantage Spurrier)

- Equestrian (advantage, Dabo, who looks adorable in that outfit)

Town planning (advantage, Spurrier, because Dabo's city has 18 ice cream parlors and no sewer system)

- Rowing (advantage irrelevant, all medals awarded to PJ Fleck)

- Trampoline (event canceled after Dabo loses two teeth trying to dismount with a back flip)

- Judo (advantage Spurrier, who's been letting Dabo punch himself in the sack for years now)

Naturally, there will be an award befitting the heated Clemson-South Carolina rivalry: a medal that means nothing to anyone outside of the state.