AN NFL SCOUT REVIEWS EVERYTHING

Scouting for an NFL team is probably a thankless job. If you're right about a first round pick being amazing or someone terrible remaining terrible, you only get credit for observing the obvious, and if someone you reviewed glowingly ends up a bust, that gets thrown around for the rest of your career.

Naturally, that leads scouts to embrace one of risk management's oldest traditions - hating on everything. So don't feel bad that you're apparently undraftable, Tajh Boyd, for you are just a link in a chain that goes back far beyond your birth, let alone the first time you threw a football. Just look at these other scathing reports NFL scouts have filed over the years.

- JACKSON, BO. Not a balanced player, as he only scored two receiving touchdowns in the entirety of his college career. Shows inconsistent devotion to football - would be like choosing a heart surgeon who is also a flautist. Excess strength in legs suggests a wasteful approach to training and life. Refusal to use birth forename may indicate undiscovered checkered past.

- BREES, DREW. Height remains major concern, as he balked when I asked him to reach the top shelf at the grocery store without going up on his tip toes. Cerebral approach may be better suited to CDC or somewhere else soft. Did not share any of his pudding cup with me. Purdue.

- GONZALEZ, TONY. Decision to leave school early indicates an unwillingness to stick things out. Shared Orange County High School Athlete of the Year award with a golfer, if that tells you anything. Probably better used at linebacker. Smiles excessively, to the point of being suspicious.

- SANDWICHES. Direct contact with food and hands is a health inspector's nightmare. Ingredients have a tendency to drop out without warning. Originated in gambling circles, major character concern. Incompatible with straws.

- YORK, NEW. No discernible improvement over Old York. Inability to maintain grid system for duration of island suggests poor discipline. Public transit system can perform well vertically, but lateral movement is almost non-existent. Smells terrible.

- LANGUAGE, SPOKEN. Does not project to have a meaningful future in human history. Grunts and shrieks get the same job done with far less training required. Proven useless every time a person gets eaten by a bear.