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ROMANCE, NIGHTMARE STYLE

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MEEEEEOW

US PRESSWIRE

Valentine's Day may be an important event for you or someone important in your life, or it may be something you view as unnecessarily overwrought. Wherever you are on that spectrum doesn't really matter, because we have a mission:

That's right - for the incredible price of $150, terrifying human-animal hybrid Willie the Wildcat will show up in a tuxedo with a Valentine, chocolates, and a single rose. He's even willing to travel, though apparently only as far as Wichita. (If that's negotiable, Kansas State, please send us an estimate for how much a Willie-Gram to Cincinnati would be, as this could be the start of a very sexy chapter in Tommy Tuberville's life.)

So: we have the means, but we don't have the end. The easiest answer is to just send Willie to Dana Dimel, of course. We're not looking for the easiest answer. We want you, the valued readership, to tell us to whom we should dispatch this hellish feline Lothario. No suggestion is a bad suggestion, unless you say "your mom" because come on nobody who writes on the Internet is still on speaking terms with their parents.