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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 01/10/2014

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WE FOUND A COACH WHO WON'T LEAVE YOU HANGING, PENN STATE

Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

DEFINITELY PROBABLY LIKELY. James Franklin is taking the Penn State job, except if he isn't, just like Al Golden was taking the Penn State job until he didn't and just like Skip Holtz will be taking the Penn State job until wait no he's actually taking it SKIP HOLTZ FOREVER.

BAR YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS NOW. Mike Vrabel is leaving Ohio State to be a position coach for the Houston Texans. J.J. Watt plays for the Houston Texans. It's already too late, because J.J. Watt now has lasers shooting out of his mouth and can swat helicopters out of the sky with his mind.

WE HAVE DECIDED. A lot of great players are announcing whether they're returning to their college teams or leaving early to try and make it in the NFL, but so far our favorite returning player is Ameer Abdullah. Please do not ruin this nice thing you have, Bo Pelini. We know you're going to, but we're still asking you to try.

ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TIDE. Lane Kiffin's just interviewing for the offensive coordinator position. Two weeks from now, Lane Kiffin will just be the offensive coordinator. Two years from now, Lane Kiffin will just be the head coach. Two decades from now, Lane Kiffin will just be the governor of Alabama. It's nothing to worry about.

ETC. Yeah no I'm good just chilling in the lodge. BASKETHOOOOOOOOOOPS. Hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.