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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/5/2013

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TIME GETS ON BOARD THE MOST IMPORTANT POLITICAL MOVEMENT OF OUR TIME

Ronald Martinez

THAT'S RIGHT, TIME: IT'S THE ONLY WAY HE'LL LEARN.

You know, most old media types are clowns AND frauds, but Time Magazine? These guys just GET IT. It's what Johnny Manziel needs. It's what Putin wants.

WE CAN'T FORCE YOUR CHOICE. Hell, Miami/Florida may be a meteor game for you for all we know, and that is fine. You can't force someone down the path of enlightenment. They have to choose themselves, and thus make the path their own. And when you have to make that choice, we hope you remember this, and choose wisely.

BUT HEY THAT DOES SAY SOMETHING. The State of the U's preview does give Florida credit as a dangerous team, albeit in that "heavy thing that rolls over people," and not that "lethal predatory bird of war" kind of way.

A WALK DOWN BLOODY, BOMB-WRECKED MEMORY WAY. You could also remember the time Florida beat Miami and ruined their perfect season, which might explain why Jim Kelly was on TV yesterday wearing a "Gators Eat Boogers" t-shirt.

BRING THIS GIANT UNGAINLY HUNK OF METAL HOME. You have to start somewhere with tradition, UTSA, so why not do it with a giant, heat-retaining hunk of utterly hostile metal?

ETC: This song is the Big Ten's new anthem shhhh don't ask why it just fits (via dorky northern european-ness.) The strange compulsion of college football makes all too much sense to us, ma'am. By all means, please press the Deuce Button."Where do your kids go to school?" ALL MUST BEHOLD THE VISAGE OF CLARENCE BEEFTANK AND PRAY HE TAKES MERCY ON YOUR SOUL.