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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 09/03/2013

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YOUR CLOTHES. GIVE THEM TO ME.

Tom Pennington

IT HAS BEGUN. You have sealed humanity's fate, LSU. The War Against The Machines is here.

GET ME JON GRUDEN. The kicker remains suspended for boating like a rockstar. The starting wide receiver is out for the year after failing to jump up jump up and get down. I dunno, man, sounds like Tyler in Atlanta is the only sane one here.

CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER. If you were distracted by the glitzier matchups, you may have missed eight FCS teams winning a pretty nice Price Is Right showcase: hundreds of thousands of dollars, an opportunity to play in an FBS stadium, and a victory. These weren't just awful teams the little brothers were beating, either - four of the eight losing squads went to a bowl game last year. One thing: I was a little disappointed to find out NDSU's mascot isn't this.

YOU'RE FUCKING OUT. The nice thing about the targeting rule is that it will be not at all controversial in its application or lack thereof.

THE SEC HAS A DANGEROUS THUG IN ITS MIDST. We're not going to let you ruin this beautiful sport with your hip hop gangster mentality, Jen Bielema. Take that nonsense back to the Big Ten where it belongs.

WIN OR LOSE, WE PUSH OUR LIVERS BEYOND CONCEIVABLE LIMITS. You are almost literally killing Iowa fans now, Kirk Ferentz. (Ok, fine, that's a bit of an exaggeration. The Iowa fan naturally drinks him or herself to death. It was true before Ferentz, and it will be true after Ferentz under Head Coach Mike Bobo.)

ETC. Joker Phillips has already made a joke about this and no we're not kidding. Old people are the best. BALLOONS!