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Al Messerschmidt


Clemson at NC State. True story: NC State doesn't take transfers because fax machines are considered sex toys under state law. John Edwards ruined a lot of things.

Boise State at Fresno State. If I wanted to watch two decent teams that won't mean shit come January, I'd buy a ticket to a baseball game.

Florida International at Louisville. Love Teddy Bridgewater. Hate to see what he does to middle schoolers every weekend on the football field. I thought Ron Turner was dead. That ain't a joke.

Vanderbilt at Massachusetts. I'm all for distance learnin', but I don't think we need a school in Tennessee settin' up campuses in Waltham. What? Massachusetts got a football team? Hell, that's like buying a bicycle with no seat when you got a perfectly good Boston College without a rear axle.

Arkansas at Rutgers. Well, at least one of 'em got a history of success against the SEC.

Marshall at Virginia Tech. Lotta you probably don't know I'm a bit of a Latin scholar, and I'd like to share this phrase with my good friend Frank Beamer - "dulce et decorum est pro patria mori." Means nobody's gonna prosecute if you strangle Scot Loeffler at midfield.

Tulane at Syracuse. I don't have anything against dome teams. Some football is too ugly to expose to the rest of the world.

Maryland vs. West Virginia. Game's in Baltimore, so I'd bet on a TitleMax being empty somewhere if you need one.

Purdue at Wisconsin. Shame to see a Big Ten lose a game last week because they were too slow at the end, Wisconsin. Unexpected, too. Totally unexpected.

Colorado State at Alabama. Wealthy dads always think they can treat their kids dismissively and make it up with a check, but the difference here is Lyle and Erik Menendez had each other and Jim McElwain's solo.

Michigan State at Notre Dame. Always love this game. Amazing to see Michigan State fans confronted with bidets in the stadium bathrooms.

Tennessee at Florida. Pretty sure God's gonna smile down on the Gators here. Just ain't sure if something heavy from his lunch gonna fall out of his teeth and kill everyone, though.

Auburn at LSU. He doesn't even know it, but some Auburn booster in 2015 is already explaining how this win over the number 6 team in the nation "wasn't really about the coaching" as he starts the process to replace Gus Malzahn with Tony Dungy.

Missouri at Indiana. Y'know how, in Dracula movies, Dracula's always going on about how immortality is a curse because you have to see everything you love die? Yup.

Troy at Mississippi State. Playing Larry Blakeney is like fighting the Chinese Army. You don't have enough bullets for everyone he's got on scholarship. Also, it's because Troy University is a front for the PLA and their dogtrack empire in south Alabama.

Kansas State at Texas. I bet Mack Brown pees sittin' down. At least that's what I made him do back at Duke. I also know Bill Snyder is the kind of man who always carries a handkerchief because you think it's polite, and because he remembers when it saved his life holdin' in the blood from a gunshot he took takin' down a bank with Johnny Dillinger.

Utah at BYU. To me, "Holy War" will always be that thing I did in '94 where I'd unzip my fly and pull out my dangle before a coaches meetin'. Then I'd slap Bob Stoops when I caught him lookin' at it.

Hawaii at Nevada. Interestingly, this is the only matchup between States Where Woody Hayes Killed A Cop, but only because the man was all thumbs with a blade.

Arizona State at Stanford. Apparently there's a quiet room in some lab where you go crazy from the silence. When Todd Graham begins disrobing and slappin' his flanks for invisible ants at Stanford, well, you'll know science is real. I don't even know how you adjust for echo in a stadium. Wait, we play Kentucky every year. I do know. Apologies.

Idaho at Washington State. I recommend watching this game if you have no interest in ever being awarded even joint custody.

Michigan at UConn. Well, after an opponent like Akron it's only natural to need a breather.

Wyoming at Air Force. These two coaches got into a little bit of a tussle last year. Had me a few of those myself. May have gotten a little childish revenge, too. Now I don't know if a car can run on a gas tank full of human piss. But Jackie Sherill does, and I bet that answer is no. Regrets are for criminals and polite correspondence.

North Carolina at Georgia Tech. Paul Johnson's a lot like a horseshoe crab. He's never changed, still alive, and gets run over by me with an ATV every time I see him at the beach.

New Mexico State at UCLA. Well, I suppose "independent" sounds better than "football orphan covered with wasps."