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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/9/2013

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THE CURIOUS INDEX IS ALL UP UNDER THAT BUS

Doug Pensinger

BUT THIS BUS HAS MANY BOUND VOLUMES AND MANUALS ON HUMAN DIGNITY ON IT!

Well, see what carryin' all them heavy ass books and mahogany bookshelves does to the engine? We coulda told you that, Delany, but a man who travels without a study full of World War Two history ain't a Big Ten Man, we guess, so get a reinforced suspension and drive train on that thing before you find yourself breakin' down in a real piece of nothing like West Lafayette. No tellin' what'll bust into that bus along that stretch a road. Or what'll do to all those Patton bios.

SPIRIT, HONOR, TRADITION, AND TWELVE GUYS NAMED KYLE. BYU was going to have their players wear jerseys that read Spirit, Honor, or Tradition instead of their last names. Then they weren't, and now it's just on Homecoming, because even nice Mormons have hate in their heart for bullcrap uniform moves. (We'd normally refer to that as a bullshit uniform move, but we'll politely defer to our profanity-averse Mormon brethren for a minute. Also, "bullcrap" sounds so much worse in like four ways.)

HOW FARES OUR BELOVED BEEEEEEEES? Probably the same as usual, which is to say a really interesting version of the usual Gailey Equilibrium at Tech.

OH SO AGGIES GETTIN' FREE BEEFY-Ts NOW? Pepsi cannot share the secrets to Crystal Pepsi, nor make Coke-flavored Pepsi. But free t-shirts and the only Johnny Manziel video you will ever need.

NO. No. No. No. No.

ETC: NCAA Rivalry games are so much more stressful than real combat, verifies person who has actually been in combat. WOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLLDSTAAAARRRR. The guide to winning any bourbon argument is flawless.