THE CURIOUS INDEX, 08/05/2013

NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS JOHNNY. It's got everything - Shetland ponies, bowling alley socks, an NCAA investigation into whether Johnny Football was paid for his autograph. (Bonus: reported by the world's first solar calculator-Supercuts Look Book hybrid!) The important thing is that we all remain calm, avoid jumping to any conclusions, and let the investigators do their j(DIES OF OLD AGE SEVERAL TIMES)

SABAN'S JOURNEY CONTINUES. It's possible that Nick Saban is just very good at his job and knows that keeping his team from resting on its laurels is one of his biggest challenges. It's also possible that Nick Saban was cursed by a traveling carnival psychic and only has three more years to field a defense that gives up zero yards and zero points across an entire season. Failure means he becomes the carnival's new baby minotaur.

THE POOL PARTY IS CANCELED. What they're not telling you is that Jadeveon Clowney loves Caddyshack, though not enough to waste a perfectly good Baby Ruth.

HAWAII FOOTBALL 2013: YOU SHOULD RUN ERRANDS ANYWAYS. Never say that Norm Chow isn't an innovator. Just when you think Hawaii can't possibly get worse, he boots his offensive coordinator on the first day of camp. On the plus side, this may mean really good things for your sleep schedule, East Coast viewers.

DON'T QUESTION PENN WAGERS. Like every other SEC ref, he's gotta put the work in before he's even allowed to do his job. (We're kidding, of course. Penn Wagers only runs 2/3 of a mile and then calls it a mile and a half after further video review.)

ETC. THE ATTACKS DO NOT APPEAR TO BE RELATED. Gus Malzahn is the best singer in the world! Humans: the grossest grosses to ever gross.