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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 08/28/2013

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HIRE THIS MAN INSTEAD, UCF

Jonathan Daniel

THE FATHER. We're talking about His Schnexcellency, of course, who will be honored as a football paterfamilias by both Miami and FAU. Schnelly isn't just a father figure, however - he's also an actual dad. And by that we mean he's your dad. We're sorry you had to find out this way.

THE SON. Snoop Dogg's son is being recruited by UCLA (amongst others), so naturally that means Snoop Dogg gets to try on UCLA stuff, because that's what all parents get to do, right? Or maybe Snoop just takes the items in question with him, daring anyone to stop him. They never do, and that's why he hasn't paid for a single article of clothing for the better part of a decade. These tips and more in Nuthin' But A C Thang: Snoop Dogg's Guide To Incorporating A Business.

THE HOLY ASSHOLE. George O'Leary is the absolute worst.

CONSPIRACY AHOY. Starting Louisville defensive end Lorenzo Mauldin is ok and will hopefully be discharged from the hospital today after being hit while riding his moped, but his availability for the opener against Ohio is in question. A search for the driver is still underwIT WAS URBAN MEYER HE CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF HIS FORMER ASSISTANT BEATING HIM INTO THE CHAMPIONSHIP

WE MISSED YOU, TOO. The Tailgate is back, and it's pretty and full of exclusive Johnny Fraudball images that are 100% real, Darren Rovell.

ETC. Who ya gonna call? Well, don't name the boat that, then.