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START THAT BOY BAND WAR, NICK SABAN

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WE'RE READY IF YOU ARE, ALABAMA

Chris Trotman

Fine, Saban. You wanna start this war, the rest of college football is happy to return fire. Texas A&M is getting One Direction because Johnny Football is for the kids. Georgia gets Plus One because of Mark Richt's churchness, while Florida gets 98 Degrees because like Will Muschamp they do not dance, and spend most of their time flexing and staring into the camera.

A confused O-Town will be told that UCF football exists. LFO is Tennessee's band thanks to being on hiatus since 2003 and having a failed reboot in 2009. 'N Sync is the Big 12 because Timberlake/Texas does still play with his bandmates, but he takes most of the money and isn't that serious about his primary job. Cal-Berkley is F4, because F4 is a Taiwanese boy band. The Jonas Brothers opt for Rutgers because both are from New Jersey, and were unheard of prior to 2005.

Ohio State is All 4 One, while Michigan is Another Bad Creation, because come on stop pretending to be different we're not stupid.

Illinois is Menudo because GODDANG THAT RON ZOOK COULD RECRUIT 'EM. Indiana are the Moffatts because they are terrible, and have been for some time. Notre Dame is Westlife, because they are Irish and you know no one who actually likes them, and Miami is Take That because of cocaine. BYU is Hanson. You know this is true in your heart.