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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 08/26/2013

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WHY ISN'T IT THURSDAY YET I DEMAND A REFUND

Nelson Chenault-US PRESSWIRE

IT'S NOT BLOOD. That's an understandable mistake, however, because you'd just assume that the bright red streak on TCU's helmets for the game against LSU would be the blood a horned frog squirts from its eyes to alarm predators. It's actually a powerful laser which can be used to blind opponents temporarily

Unfortunately, Les Miles eats lasers.

EAT IT KRZYZEWSKI. Fun fact - Steve Spurrier won all three of his games against North Carolina during his stint at Duke, and in the 23 seasons since his departure, the Blue Devils have beaten the Heels...twice. Meanwhile, that bum Coach K is only barely above .500. What I'm saying is there's no reason we can't have Steve Spurrier, Coach of Every U.S. Olympic Team No Matter The Sport.

BREAKING NEWS. Jameis Winston enters the season as Florida State's starting quarterback, beating out That One Guy Who Is Not And Never Will Be Jameis Winston and I Dunno, I Wanna Say Dave? I Think His Name's Dave. I Wanna Say Dave is likely to transfer elsewhere now.

DO NOT QUESTION LANE KIFFIN. He certainly decided to go with co-starting quarterback for Week 1 because both Max Wittek and Cody Kessler have looked great in camp and deserve a chance to show it in live game action. It would be absurd to suggest that Kiffin simply forgot to pick a starter because he stayed up all night playing Clay Fighter on his old Super Nintendo. Write that and he'll kick your ass out of practice.

WOO PIG SAFE WORD. I think the best thing to say here is nothing.

ETC. CLOWNEY HAS A WEAKNESS. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and #BEATBAMA.