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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 08/22/2013

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THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS, LANE KIFFIN

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE

THIS FEELS WEIRD TO SAY. Okay, here goes: I really hope USC gets its shit together quarterback-wise, because it's really going to suck if a morass at that position means Marqise Lee doesn't get to do Marqise Lee things. (It's also going to suck if Marqise Lee gets injured, but I'm pretty sure if one of his arms fell off entirely, Kiffin would still put him in. And he'd probably go for two scores and 150 yards against Arizona.)

SALTY. I'm not sure if saying "Darren Rovell is a dipshit who doesn't do his homework" is the best way to prove Johnny Manziel is in full compliance with NCAA rules, but it sure is a fun one.

IT IS A SIGN. When you're preparing to jump up a level from FCS play, having one of your kids get struck by lightning at practice (he's fine) has to portend something. Probably it means the Eagles are some kind of football Highlander, and soon they'll be decapitating program after program, growing in strength until they're the only team left. Probably.

JAUNTY HAT NEWS. Wisconsin is going with an alternate helmet in week 2 when Tennessee Tech comes to town, and, frankly, I don't understand this at all. Uniform tweaks are fine conceptually, but why break them out for a non-event like this game? It's like renting a tuxedo to go to Denny's. Oh, wait. That IS pretty Wisconsin.

UNACCEPTABLE. Whether or not it's okay to use a college football player's name on your menu without permission (it isn't), how the hell are you going to attach Jadeveon Clowney to a TURKEY WRAP? At least pick something that can kill you, like a double stack chicken fried steak with French toast for bread.

ETC. Some music rankings should be read. Other music rankings should be participated in. Jon Bois has smart things to say about the legacy of bullshit surrounding Donovan McNabb, and also beef stew.