THE FIVE FANS YOU MEET IN HELL: NUMBER FIVE

Our Distraction Week Series concludes today with the last of The Five Fans You Meet In Hell. Thank you for all being so well-behaved while we babysat. You'll all get an extra popsicle next time we're over.

Humorless Bore and the Andrew W.K. exist on opposite ends of the same spectrum. So do Sanctimonious Veteran and the Ship Jumper. Of course, they're extreme examples of behavior many of us may have engaged in at some point, and preaching "ok, just don't be the HUGEST dipshit" is not exactly setting the bar all that high.

But, well, I have a confession. I'm Awful Fan Number Five - the Fan Who Wants To Talk About Fans.

It's not that Fans 1 through 4 aren't terrible. They are. It's just that fans in general are the garnish on the plate, and football is the steak. We can only talk about Which Restaurant Has The Hottest Garnish?? (SLIDESHOW) for so long. This isn't to say the fans don't add to the experience, because that's clearly wrong. The fact remains, however, that anytime you assemble 30,000+ people in a stadium, or 50+ in a bar, you're going to have some assholes. It happens, and you accept it.

The Fan Who Wants To Talk About Fans needs to learn to appreciate the double A gap blitz or the smash route. The Fan Who Wants To Talk About Fans should pay more attention to assistant coach hirings. The Fan Who Wants To Talk About Fans really ought to finally learn the difference between a chop block and a cut block.

(In my defense, it's hard to keep the carnival running when Fearless Ringleader is on vacation.)

The good news is, we're almost there. A month from now, we'll be preparing for the TV overlords to bring us our first Saturday feast. And yes, parsley will be on the plate. Leave it for The Fan Who Wants To Talk About Fans. You're here for the steak, and the steak is fucking delicious.