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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 08/02/2013

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WE'RE NOT DOCTORS BUT WE DID WATCH A LOT OF E.R. BECAUSE MOM LOVED THAT DOUG ROSS

BLOOD. Oklahoma's quarterback competition would seem to be a fait accompli now that Blake Bell's main competition has gone down with a fractured foot. Football: it's full of hurty things!

YELLOW BILE. Meanwhile, Wake Forest will be without Josh Harris, last year's leading rusher, who was declared academically ineligible for 2013 competition. When asked to comment, Jim Grobe walked the aisles of a Target silently, considering purchasing a SodaStream but ultimately determining it to be a "fanciful trinket."

BLACK BILE. Kevin Wilson has no time for shenanigans, and that's why he gave walking papers to one of his starting cornerback and to wide receiver Taj Williams, a 4 star recruit who also had offers from Alabama, Florida, Notre Dame, and USC. We respect Indiana's willingness to adhere to principles here and will continue to not watch their games if possible.

PHLEGM. The Summer of Dumb continues apace in Gainesville, where Florida's starting halfback is out indefinitely with a viral infection. It's almost like the state of Florida is a haunted mansion that wants us to get out. Fortunately, expert avian veterinarian Will Muschamp is on the case.

THAT ALL HAD A POINT. We weren't just showing you how much we know about medieval medical practice, you know. Those are also the new levels of violations under the new NCAA enforcement structure, and the punishment at all of them is we throw your coach in a river. If he drowns, you're not guilty. CURSE YOUR BUOYANCY, GOODY HOKE.

ETC. This bear needs to show some self-respect and get a job. Lena Dunham will never be amongst this group.