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THE FOUR QUARTERBACK SYSTEM: COMING TO EAST LANSING

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IT'S EASY. IF EVERYONE DOES THEIR JOB, YOU CAN PLAY FOUR QUARTERBACKS AT ONCE

Jonathan Daniel

We don't know exactly why Mark Dantonio is so funny to us, but there are starting points: the odd feud he has with Kirk Ferentz, or the insistence on his players all wearing ties to pregame, or his stellar media relations skills on full display last year after struggling for much of the game against Eastern Michigan.

SUCH GREAT QUESTIONS. Maybe it's the overall sense that Mark Dantonio is being forced to be a football coach by organized crime when, in fact, he'd rather be doing something he really loves, like stonemasonry or killing people for money. That he's Stanley from The Office, and that the entire point of the day is to run out the clock, get home, and then get back to what he enjoys the most: the oblivion of sleep, where no one can ask him great questions, or make fun of those recurring dreams where he's quietly and happily running a dying framing business in the outskirts of Zanesville, Ohio.

Oh, and it's funny that Mark Dantonio says it's a four-way race for the quarterback job right now, because when you have one quarterback, you have a quarterback. When you have two, you have a competition. When you have three, you don't have one quarterback, but if you have four you can trade three in for a queen if you get them across the board. If you have five quarterbacks, you have accidentally kidnapped a shuttle bus for a high school skills camp. Tim Beckman will pay good money for you to drop them off in Illinois right now, no questions asked, and no liabilities assumed by either party.