TULSA DOGGY DOGG. The Golden Hurricane have gone 29-11 with two bowl victories in the last three years, and that means one thing: they've proven themselves responsible enough to get a puppy. The nice thing about a dogbassador like Goldie is they'll never leave you, or, if they do, they won't do it by sending you some heartless text message, because thumbs.
STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. You stop being charming and funny, Jameis Winston. Our job is to hate you and wish failure upon you, and you are making that job difficult. Stick to Seminole tradition and get arrested for stealing a prescription pad or something.
UNIVERSITY OF SHOULDER CRAP. College football's best receiver is day to day. Two thousand miles away, our best defensive player is sitting out scrimmages. The villain robbing us of Messrs. Lee and Clowney? The shoulder, the least American joint in the body. Write to Congress today and tell them you're fed up with crummy shoulders ruining our great nation.
IOWA CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. The state's best recruit and one of the country's best guards has rescinded his commitment to Kirk Ferentz and decided to head to Tuscaloosa, and if Ferentz can't keep big Iowa dudes named Ross to stay in state then seriously just have like 100 garage sales and pay the dude his buyout.
BUT JIM GROBE CAN. Josh Harris has run the ball over 350 times for Wake Forest, and now that he's been reinstated by the NCAA, there's a chance he'll hit 500 carries in his career. Jim Grobe makes his own luck, because Jim Grobe knows people. People like Phyllis at the grocery store and Myspace Tom.
ETC. Florida's weirdo economy is thriving, I tell you. Malcolm Gladwell, Professionally Wrong. TAMMY BECAME SO AIMLESS SHE TOOK A SECOND JOB.