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Paul Manziel is the worst father ever.

This is not up for debate.

In fact, while you're even thinking about debating this, I'm on the phone with Child Protective Services and they've assured me that little Johnny will be in the loving arms of a foster family by the end of the day. No longer will he have to be subjected to the type of negligent parenting he has endured for all 20 of his young and formative years. It's clear, thanks to Wright Thompson's piece on the family, that the rod has been spared and the child spoiled to unprecedented levels. Drinking, fighting, anger issues, hanging out with Drake...DRAKE! These are the types of telltale signs of a child rearing supremely botched by selfishness, neglect, and incompetence. For Johnny Manziel's sake and the sake of his future, father Paul must be removed from the equation before it's too late...if it isn't already.

Overreaction you say? How can I claim that Paul Manziel is the worst father ever given that there are so many men throughout history who have monumentally failed at raising children? Compared even to some of the all-time horrible dads, Paul Manziel is just the worst:


Marv Marinovich

Sins of the Father: Wanted his son to become a quarterback regardless of what the son wanted to do, made the son train constantly and in somewhat unorthodox and potentially physically and mentally harmful ways, did not allow his son to eat any sweets or fast food growing up.

Why he's better than Paul Manziel: The son turned out to be a 1st round draft pick who played in three different professional football leagues. Sounds like successful parenting to me.


Bing Crosby

Sins of the Father: Invoked many forms of corporal punishment upon his children, shamed his children as part of his discipline methods, monitored his children strictly and physically beat them when they were overweight, known to beat his kids with a sack of oranges.

Why he's better than Paul Manziel: Serving up your kids oranges (and, eventually, post-beating, juice) is still better than serving them alcohol. Also, he knew Sinatra.


Woody Allen

Sins of the Father: Was carrying on an affair with the daughter of his girlfriend, was found out when his girlfriend found naked pictures of her daughter in Allen's apartment, starts dating the daughter.

Why he's better than Paul Manziel: At least he didn't want a personalized license plate that stood for "Woody Fucking Stepdad".


Ryan O'Neal

Sins of the father: Turned most of his ex-wives and children onto drugs at one point or another, beat up his son Griffin so badly that he knocked his teeth out, also once shot Griffin, made daughter Tatum snort cocaine in order to lose weight.

Why he's better than Paul Manziel: Once, when a depressed Tatum O'Neal tried to slit her wrists, instead of telling her not to do it, Ryan just told her she was cutting the wrong way. Paul Manziel would have claimed that it's the school's responsibility to show her how to slit her wrists properly.


Joe Jackson

Sins of the Father: Physical and mental abuse of all of his children, forced children to practice music all hours of the day, made them into national recording acts against their will, may have taken all of their money, most talented son was so traumatized that he allegedly became a pedophile and eventually killed himself with prescription drugs.

Why he's better than Paul Manziel: You never heard Michael Jackson correct his father in public and demand that his dad call him "Mikey", did you?


Darth Vader

Sins of the Father: Joined the Dark side, essentially killed his wife by getting her pregnant and then breaking her heart, abandoned his children, blew up an entire planet full of people, killed little kids, choked out subordinates, reneged on deals with Billy D. Williams.

Why he's better than Paul Manziel: Despite being an absentee father for most of his life, Vader was there to dole out the tough love (something Paul Manziel is clearly incapable or unwilling to do) necessary to get Luke to make the right choices in life. Sometimes you've got to cut off a kid's hand before he truly realizes the difference between right and wrong.