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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 07/08/2013

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YOU TELL 'EM URBAN MEYER CONTROLS ALL THE GIN IN COLUMBUS NOW

IT'S NOT TV. Becoming a major power broker through careful management of criminal deeds hidden behind the veneer of respectable business? A thicket of lies to the press in order to keep the underclass quiet? Faking one's own death when things go south just to establish a new enterprise elsewhere? Yes, this season of BOARDWALK EMP-MEYER promises to be a thrilling one.

EVERYONE IS BAD WITH MONEY. At first, you're surprised how easy it was to shoplift. The backpack, full of canned goods and one particularly juicy looking ham (you watched Supermarket Sweep), tugs at your shoulders, but the bleary-eyed cashier said nothing as you paid for a bag of Fritos and left. Did they know? Were they waiting for you to leave the parking lot before swooping in? And would they understand that you had no choice but to steal food for your children after spending 600 bucks on two tickets to Houston-Temple?

TERP. The thing about "beating up the cops and running away" as a strategy is that it only works if you have somewhere to go, and if you've already wound up playing football for Maryland, that, um, sort of proves that you don't.

THIS IS HOW THE MARKET WORKS. One: the NFL decides to restrict invites to the Combine by excluding players who are not academically eligible. Two: Mark Mangino sets up "BIG MARK'S FLYIN' FUCKIN' CIRCUS," a rival Combine where only the ineligible or otherwise troubled are welcome. Three: An outbreak of foodborne illness at the Flyin' Fuckin' Circus's funnel cake stand hospitalizes seventeen NFL scouts and coaches. Four: The NFL, citing "public health concerns," decides to open the Combine back up to all players regardless of academic standing.

TECHNOLOGY! Nebraska is developing a sideline-friendly MRI system to detect concussion symptoms more quickly and effectively, a move which Lane Kiffin says will never be as proven as more traditional tests, like asking if a player can understand Ed Orgeron. (If you can, you are definitely too woozy to go back in.)

A SECOND ROUND OF CONDOLENCES. This time to the family and friends of soon-to-be Bulldog Mitchell Maxwell, who was found dead by his brother just a few days before he was set to move to Mississippi State.

ETC. This is not new and I do not care. VERY DUSTY YOU SHOULD CLEAN BETTER IN HERE. The most Illini play in history.