THE CURIOUS INDEX, 07/31/2013

ROW THE FIREBOAT. Yeah, P.J. Fleck is a fun kind of crazy.

WMU Football staff gonna walk on fire in 5 min!! Changing the way we think!!! RTB pic.twitter.com/h5Jsp6ml3l

— P.J. Fleck (@Coach_Fleck) July 31, 2013

THE SOFTEST INJUSTICE. After the local authorities declined to file charges against Carlos Hyde, Urban Meyer decided on a course of action: a three game suspension, with undisclosed additional requirements before Hyde can return and play. We are outraged by this punishment, which is simultaneously far too overreaching for a kid who has been convicted of no crime and far too lenient for a clearly problematic thug who doesn't respect the game. Hopefully, Meyer will reverse course and start Hyde Week 1 while also throwing him off the team permanently.

SOMETHING GOOD AT RUTGERS. The Scarlet Knights are retiring Eric LeGrand's old number, with one catch: it becomes unretired when LeGrand is able to walk again. This will be a great story until next week, when it's revealed the retired number hasn't paid state or federal taxes in a decade.

FLORIDA IS AMERICA'S VESTIGIAL ORGAN, SO. I'm not a doctor, so I can't tell you what Jeff Driskel's emergency appendectomy means for his season. Of course, that also mens I can't say it's NOT a sign that his body just wants him to stop taking so many damn sacks and get rid of the ball already. We'll just have to see if he has a kidney fall out before October.

THIS IS ONE WAY TO MAKE AN EXIT. Jordan Hoiem had decided to commit to Oregon, but then he changed his mind. Not about which school to play for - about whether to play at all. Maybe it's naive to say, but life's too short to spend it doing a bunch of shit you hate. (You may now start questioning Hoiem's character and suggesting he is a coward.)

AND THIS IS ANOTHER. Washington said goodbye to defensive end Pio Vatuvei, who failed to live up to his obligations as a student-athlete by wait you think they actually told us what happened come on son. Just assume that it was his weekend to take the team guinea pig, Pretzel, home, and Pretzel has since been laid to rest.

ETC. Chip Kelly Kapowski is ruining your dreams. Remember to wear Power Gloves before playing Super Breaking Bad. This could be turned into the dopest swimming pool ever.