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THE SEXIEST ROOM IN WISCONSIN

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ALL YOURS FOR LESS THAN A MILLION DOLLARS

Wesley Hitt

Bret Bielema's Wisconsin sex palace house: still on the market! There's a lot to appreciate about this fine 4 bedroom/7 bathroom (Seven bathrooms? Buy some Activia already, pal) estate, but let's cut right to the best part.

THE SHOWER OF POWER.

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A) Overhead emergency shower that releases 38 gallons of water a minute for 10 minutes when activated. Fuckin' OSHA, man.

B) False shower head that is actually a studio-quality microphone. This is "Raspberry Beret" like you've never heard it before, mostly because Prince didn't fart during the whole bridge. (Ok, he did, but it was more artistic.)

C) Sprays gouda.

D) Sprays cheddar.

E) Sprays spermicidal au jus.

F) Formerly a cashier's window staffed by a Ho-Chunk Gaming employee, it was bricked up after the Missing $500 Chip Incident of 2010, a case that's still discussed at many internal medicine conferences.

G) Hidden latch reveals that the shower bench is also a storage compartment stuffed with dead b-beer taps. Definitely beer taps.

H) Probably not a webcam. Okay, not a really good webcam.

I) Paint-Ur-Taint limited edition undercarriage self-tanning system.