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PLEASE COME BACK AMERICAN FOOTBALL. Though this will sort of do for now.

Diamond Ferri just got knocked back to his sophomore year at Syracuse by 6'11, 340 pound Matt O'Donnell, and now everyone is dead in Canada. #RIPCanada

GUNS ARE INDEED UP. Kliff Kingsbury's remarks about not recruiting Uruk-Hai for defensive lineman--and then getting mad when offensive coordinators like him make their fat asses winded with hurry-up offenses--are fun for a lot fo reasons, but most importantly because they're basically calling the SEC fat. Which, yes: we're fat. OFF THE LARDED BEEF OF SUCCESS. (P.S. Kliff, be careful: you may just be daring Nick Saban to create huge linebackers and linemen even more insanely conditioned than they are now.)

URBAN MEYER, OUR NATION'S FAVORITE BEARDED LIZARD. Coaching at Florida really was the best of all possible worlds for Urban, since we know reptiles will always bite you even if you're the one feeding them the day's ration of flies and rats. Look at Clay Travis dropping "Sources," would you?

CHARLIE STRONG WILL KILL YOU. If you are an agent, and you wish to contact one of his players, Charlie Strong will find you, and he will kill you. However, if the NCAA made a rule where agents could just contact players ahead of draft time, and talk to them, and treat them like any other prospective talent in any other professional field without screwing with their eligibility, well, Charlie Strong would not have to kill you. Because we would have a rule that made sense. But sure, NCAA: continue making Charlie Strong a killer against his will.

SAVAGE BEATINGS WELCOME. Colton Paulhus, you may play football in Salt Lake City provided there are no more savage beatings of strangers and random lobbing of homophobic slurs from passing vehicles in your future.

ETC: The Prokhorov only wants to blow the NBA up because he loves her so. That the founder of Crossfit drives a Camaro explains so very much about what you already knew about it. I belong to you, you belong to me, and CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!