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JAMES FRANKLIN, OLYMPIC DISGRACE

YOU HAVE SHAMED OUR COUNTRY, SIR

Pascal Le Segretain

"Wow, look at James Franklin jump off that cliff!" I'm sorry, when did we start living in a country where athleticism didn't matter? When did we decide that "subject to the laws of gravity" is a skill?

No, we're not about to start handing out gold medals for falling. Here is your score, Coach Franklin, per the rules of the Fédération Internationale de Natation.

POSITION: 0.0 - Diver failed to perform one of the four competition positions (straight, pike, tuck, or free), instead opting to flail his arms like Kermit the Frog.

SOMERSAULTS: 1.0 - Diver performed no somersaults, nor even hinted at the possibility of somersaults.

TWISTS: 0.0 - Diver said he was "more of a Tootsee Roll man," then proceeded to gyrate inappropriately.

ENTRY: 0.0 - Diver entered the water feet first, which is the equivalent of spitting in this sport's face.

TOTAL DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 1.0 - Diver is permanently barred from international competition.