THE CURIOUS INDEX, 07/16/2013

VAMOOSE. Mark May is the worst kind of moralist: the hypocrite. DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO will make for an interesting segment, however, in which May extols the virtues of clean living while force-feeding Gushers to Lou Holtz.

BEGONE. FIU's starting tailback, Kedrick Rhodes, has been kicked off the team due to the ever-mysterious violation of team rules. I mean, who even knows what these arbitrary rul-oh, discharging a weapon on school property? While under the influence? Yeah, I could see how you'd want a rule against that.

SKEDADDLE. The wide receiver-less get more wide receiver-less-er as Auburn signee Earnest Robinson won't be academically qualified to join the Tigers this year. This is probably because we are all haters, Auburn fans. We know. Shhh, shhhhhhhh. We know.

WE'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE. Injuries previously forced Kentucky running back Josh Clemons to miss half of 2011 and all of 2012, and now he'll miss the entirety of the 2013 season after injuring his Achilles tendon. Injuries suck, and we wish Clemons a speedy recovery, hopefully punctuated by a series of confusing Photoshop cards from Joker Phillips featuring Patch Adams as the Incredible Hulk.

SCRAM. The four former Vandy players accused of sexual assault have been identified. They remain suspended from school while the Nashville P.D. conducts its investigation. There is no joke here, because there should not be a joke here.

ETC. Bryan Cranston was almost a cop. "Demands 2 Big Macs at 6 AM" is proof enough of intoxication. The Andy Staples Mock CFB Draft is not an impending reality, sad Colorado fan.