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Brandon Wade

BUT HE WAS SO GOOD IN MEAN GIRLS. Johnny Manziel left the Manning Passing and Macrame Day Camp early, either because he became ill or because he drank every bottle of 99 Bananas in Louisiana. Those two things could not have both occurred, however, because everyone knows bananas are full of potassium. The important issue to keep in mind here is that if Manziel struggles in any game this season, it's because he stayed out too late one night in July.

WINNER GETS THE MOTION TO DISMISS SHILLELAGH. UCF! Penn State! Ireland! 2014! Meringue! Isosceles! Yelling! Random! Words! Football!

WAIT TEN MINUTES, THEN TELL MOM YOU'RE SORRY. This is the tactic Bill O'Brien wants Penn State to try with the NCAA. It never worked with your parents, because they knew grounding you for a week and then backpedaling before Thursday even showed up would undermine their credibility. But this is the NCAA, which hardly has any credibility, so...maybe?

THIS ONE ISN'T ON URBAN. Covering up violent crime to build up his army of super-henchmen in an eventual bid to take over the U.S. government - that's Meyer's bailiwick. Drinking in ways the state says you're not supposed to be drinking? VRABEL APPROVED.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN BAR FIGHTS. Except Dalton, and you, Jeremy Hill, are no Dalton.

TAMPA IS A PLACE FOR REBUILDING. Tampa will welcome you, Michael Dyer. Tampa will then accuse you of giving it chlamydia knowingly. You will insist that a city can't get an STI from a single person. But Tampa will threaten to go to the papers, and you will settle with Tampa for $1,400. This is how Tampa generates municipal revenue, and it is foolproof.

ETC. Stop pretending like you don't know what documentary we really want to see, Najeh Davenport. ("Hamper Scamper" is just one possible title. We'll workshop it.) The Rice Owl is a real asshole.