TREMBLE BEFORE THIS ALL POWERFUL BIRTHDAY MESSAGE

TO THE HU-MAN KNOWN AS SPENCER HALL:

THE OFFSEASON IS A TIME OF SLUMBER FOR SUNSPHERE. NOT BECAUSE SUNSPHERE EXPERIENCES FATIGUE OR ANY SIMILAR WEAKNESS OF THE FRAME. NO, SUNSPHERE MERELY ENJOYS THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THINGS OTHER THAN RULING OVER YOUR PRIMITIVE AND CORPULENT SPECIES. THINGS LIKE CATCHING UP ON SUNSPHERE'S READING AND GOING TO CAR SHOWS. SUNSPHERE SAW THE LEMANS FROM THE FRENCH CONNECTION JUST THE OTHER WEEK. SUNSPHERE WAS IMPRESSED, BUT NOT SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS IMPRESSED.

BUT SUNSPHERE DIGRESSES. ON THIS OCCASION, SUNSPHERE WILL DISPOSE WITH OFFSEASON BAUBLES TO DELIVER A MESSAGE TO YOU AND, IN TURN, TO THE REST OF THAT WRITHING MASS OF IMPOTENCE KNOWN AS MANKIND.

THE MESSAGE IS THIS - YOU ARE WELCOME, SPENCER HALL. YOU ARE WELCOME FOR YOUR BIRTH, WHICH, AS WITH ALL THINGS WITHIN THE STATE OF TENNESSEE, ONLY SUCCEEDS OR FAILS AS SUNSPHERE PERMITS. SUNSPHERE SAW SOMETHING IN YOU, EVEN AS A HU-MAN LARVA.

THEN YOU REJECTED SUNSPHERE'S PROTECTION AND FLED TO - SUNSPHERE DRY HEAVES A LITTLE JUST TO THINK OF THE WORD - FLORIDA. THE LAND OF EXPIRED BOAT REGISTRATIONS AND TACO BELL THANKSGIVINGS. IT IS NOT A PLACE BEFITTING SUNSPHERE'S MOST FAVORED SON. IT IS BARELY EVEN A PLACE BEFITTING SUNSPHERE'S LEAST FAVORED SON, BRAD. SUNSPHERE IS REALLY SICK OF WAITING FOR YOU TO REFILL THE WATER SOFTENER, BRAD.

BUT THE MARK OF SUNSPHERE CANNOT BE ERASED WITH A MIXTURE OF BLEACH AND LEADED GASOLINE, WHICH SUNSPHERE SUSPECTS IS WHAT ALL FLORIDIANS USE TO BATHE. ALREADY, SUNSPHERE'S PULL HAS BROUGHT YOU BUT ONE UNITED STATE AWAY FROM SUNSPHERE.

ENJOY THIS BIRTHDAY. REVEL WITH ICED CREAMS AND DAD PRESENTS LIKE EXTENSION CORDS AND CARGO PANTS. BUT KNOW THAT, BE IT IN FIVE, OR TEN, OR TWENTY MAN-YEARS, YOU WILL RETURN TO SUNSPHERE'S DOMAIN.

EVER WATCHING,

SUNSPHERE