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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 07/01/2013

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THIS IS THE WORST REMAKE OF THE WARRIORS EVER

PLEASE SEE ME AFTER CLASS. These are definitely some of the teams in your conference, UConn. Oh, did we mention it's also ACC Day?

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STOP IT. Four unnamed Commodores were booted off the team late last week in connection with a sex crimes investigation, and, after noting that these unnamed suspects are entitled to a presumption of innocence, etc. etc. legal stuff, let us say this: stop it. We are firmly in the "college is a place for 18-22 year olds, 18-22 year olds do stupid things, therefore college is a place for stupid things" camp, but nonconsensual sexual contact is not within that syllogism. So stop it.

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT. See, drunk scootering is a crime at which we can all comfortably chuckle. Hopefully the young man's learned his lesson and will make smarter choices in the future, like drunk rollerblading home from parties. (You will fall, and you will scrape everything, but you will not get a DUI.) On the other hand, maybe we should deport this punter now to keep him from his inevitable destiny as America's next serial murderer.

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. There's still plenty of meat left on that beaver. You take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato - baby, you got a stew goin'!

THE RULES ARE SIMPLE. You wanna fight with a fellow Husker? Fine. You wanna use a blunt instrument? Also fine. But the minute you incorporate a bottle, you are off this team, because Bo Pelini was planning to pickle beets in that, dammit.

ETC. Our freedoms are being taken from us, one caramel coated boob at a time. Is there a good reason you haven't Run The Jewels by now? These all mean entirely different things when done by Berlusconi.