THE EMOTIONAL STATE OF COACH BOB STOOPS

Bob Stoops has to appear tough in public. It's just part of being a leader. But Bob Stoops has feelings, and they can be measured using this scientific chart.

Where is Bob Stoops on this spectrum today? First, we must list the things Bob Stoops is currently sick and tired of:

- Proposals to fund full cost scholarships

- Hearing about how good the SEC is

- Players just transferring whenever they want to like they think they're entitled to some level of agency in their lives

- Andes mints ("the harlot's birthday cake")

- Cargo pants bashing, like you've got a better idea for how a fella's supposed to carry all his movie theater reward club cards, smart aleck

- Going blind nil

- Super groups, because you gotta be a certain shameless to ride Orbison's coattails like that, Tom Petty

- People who don't just stand still on moving walkways

- DVDs that don't just start playing the movie when you put 'em in

- Labor Day

- Restaurants that give you individual ketchup packets and not just a whole dang bottle

- Self checkout

- The International Organization for Standardization ("a man should be able to have a checkbook the size of a tortilla if he wants one")

- Carpools

- Cars

- Pools

Based on the above, we estimate the current emotional state of Bob Stoops to be as follows: