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Stacy Revere

Good morning from the great state of Texas, and its greatest city and capital, Austin. Friends, it's easy to forget that the things you accomplish as a team come from just that: being a team, and the teamwork extends beyond the doors of this facility. The priceless, tropical hardwood mahogany doors of this facility, each worth $12,000 before they're rubbed with the bile of rare Malaysian black bears.

For instance, we are only as successful as we are because of the great league we play in, and because of those teams that push us to be better. Not all those teams have their own network. But you know, not everyone can be Texas. Not everyone likes to drink their bourbon neat like we do. Not everyone can do it from a humble but still stylish 1920s German Lightbulb Tester Bar. At just under two thousand dollars, we like to think of it as the blue-collar German Lightbulb Tester Bar as the Texas Longhorns of repurposed antique furnitures.

[Brown opens up bar]

[hinge breaks, whole thing falls apart]

We couldn't do any of what we do without the Big 12. That even goes for our rivals in Oklahoma.

I have a lot of respect for Bob. He could have gone elsewhere. But he understands we're all part of something special, and took a meager $4.5 million to stay at Oklahoma. Because it's home. Because it's us.

Sure, that won't buy you a revivified Civil War veteran in a biomechanical suit to make you breakfast. But the rental market's growing there, and RoboJed's creme brulee french toast is good even if it's only a special treat for some.

Why, just today I was driving through this beautiful city in my four-wheel drive. And I thought about what it takes to be successful. Money helps, don't get me wrong. They say money can't buy everything, and they're right. But money CAN buy quarts of blood, which is the only currency my favorite weapons dealer in Lahore accepts.

Hook 'em, Larry.

Money can't buy family, is what I'm trying to say. It can buy people. Oh, lord, can it buy people. Whole people. People who come in shipping containers with oxygen tanks plugged in and wearing giant diapers. It's all labeled "Frozen tuna," and you'd be shocked how easily it gets from the Port of Houston, down the highway, and into the offices of SEC football coaches, where they're forced to work long hours without pay, food, or adequate sunlight. I'm just kidding! Or I'm not. You and the FBI can decide for yourself.

And I know I might get in trouble for saying this, but winning isn't everything, either. Here's an old saying - "to the victor go the spoils." Well, hell, I got a whole airplane hanger full of decaying rhino meat. T. Boone? I've seen him eat other people's pizza crust straight out of the garbage can. Well, I didn't see it, but a friend of a friend did. That ain't spoils. It's just garbage.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm just a man, counting his blessings and bathed in the humble scent of Chypre pour homme by Rojo fragrances. At $254 dollars a bottle, it's well below what we could afford, but life's about more than smelling of leather with top notes of bergamot and Cypriot limes. It's about knowing what matters, and what matters most is family.

And at Texas, we just want everyone to know how grateful we are for that family, both here and beyond the walls of our beautiful campus and stadium. Unless you're one of those cretins still drinking wine through your mouth like an Aggie.

It just opens up the flavor profile so much more, particularly in older vintages like the 1811 Chateau d'Yquem. But if you're a Texas fan, you already knew that.

Hook 'em.