AWWWWW SKEET SKEET ROLL TIDE. Don't tell them that this makes a lot of sense when you think of it in a fluid dynamics kind of way, y'all.
NEBRASKA IS NOW OFFICIALLY ABOUT BOTTLE SERVICE. Bo Pelini kicked Ernest Suttles and Thomas Brown off the Cornhuskers last night after a boozy fight where, according to witnesses, Suttles clocked teammate and linebacker David Santos with some kind of bottle. More details to follow on this, like what kind of bottle, and an instructive video on why you shouldn't hit people anywhere, but especially in bas where they can fall and hit things painfully.
BO PELINI IS LESS TOLERANT THAN DAN MULLEN OF SOME THINGS. Mississippi State kicked linebacker Chris Hughes off the team after his fifth arrest ever, and his third in two years. In case we're all confused as to what is an unusual level of criminal activity for anyone due to the events of the past week, we will clarify: that's a lot of getting arrested for anyone, especially an athlete. (Yes, even an SEC athlete.) (Who still get arrested at a lower rate than the general population.)
THE FUTURE OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL WILL BE HUFFING AND PUFFING. The Opening is already here, a necessary series of trials for the half-grown adolescent who will be the future of your college football teams. The event you cannot miss is the Lineman Challenge on July 2nd, because it is linemen moving very fast, something we find as moving and beautiful as hippo attack videos. (We are serious. They are all beautiful.)
MATTE STATE. App State's new uniforms are either embracing the matte trend, or are built from the latest stealth technology. Considering the secret Boone mafia mountain weed empire whose profits App State helps launder, we opt for the latter.
THE COMOMMYDORING OF TENNESSEE CHILDREN. More visuals on just how committed James Franklin is to your uteruses, ladies of Tennessee.
ETC: That's really an accomplishment if you ever have to sleep over a bed of nails, or freeze to avoid being seen by a T-Rex mid-coitus. Pretty weird promo picture, La Tech.