THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/26/2013

GOOD MORNING AARON HERNANDEZ. It's the Massachusetts State Police. We're here to serve an arrest warrant for, well, you. If only Urban Meyer had drug tested you at Florida. If only he'd kicked you off the team. If only he'd not told you to demolish your home security system and cellphone. If only he'd not involved you in his web of deceit and high crimes, or developed some superpower to keep you from being the kind of person who allegedly gets involved to some degree in another person's murder. WHY DIDN'T URBAN MEYER KEEP AARON HERNANDEZ FROM BEING A CRAPPY HUMAN? If only he possessed the mettle of a Joe Paterno. IF ONLY.

[arm flies off from furious wanking motions]

P.S. Go Gata.

OREGON'S READY. By the time this is up, the NCAA's punishment for Oregon will likely already be out, but whatever: Oregon's been ready for Emmert Claus for a while now. Oregon's total response, and we are dead serious about this, should be a letter on official stationery reading: "No."

JAMES FRANKLIN WILL RECRUIT DIRECTLY FROM THE UTERUS. He's just gonna be upfront about that, so it's not weird when he starts measuring your wife's hips in the mall parking lot in front of you, and then takes your height and asks about your power clean.

OOOOH, O-LINE LESSONS. Vertical line play is coming to Cal, which if you don't know about, well, learn along with everyone else with Cal Golden Blogs' excellent primer on it.

WHEN DOES IT GET FUN? My, that's always a good question when talking about Washington State football, isn't it?

OOH, LOOK, SKILL PLAYERS WE CAN TURN INTO MEDIOCRE SKILL PLAYERS. On paper Florida has a lot of offensive talent, and my won't it be fun to watch it do whatever offensive skill players have been doing on the vine at Florida for four years running now.

ETC: Waka Flocka loves him some Big Roy Nelson and Onyx, and that's just fine with us. Later, entire city of Miami.