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Kelly Lambert

SEC Media Days is coming up in less than three weeks. To help the reader understand what this is like, imagine a thousand different media people. Place them all in a hotel's cavernous convention rooms, and bar them from seeing the sun for three days. (This isn't really a hardship, since this is what most of them would burst into flame if the sun hit them directly, anyway.)

Then place every coach on high alert, have them all give the same answers to the same questions, and then shuffle them through some rapid fire radio work before returning them to their film rooms thoroughly rumpled and discouraged by the prospects for humanity's future. Additionally, put the whole thing on TV so everyone can watch it like they were there, thus eliminating the need to be there at all.

You could do a lot of the reporting from there. Or, more importantly, you could do it from a cheaper hotel nearby, and with a drink in hand, and listening to a flaming bagpiper play "Thunderstruck."

We don't know what Alt SEC Media Days would be in its entirety. There would be a bar, because we don't care if you drink on duty. There would be video games, because if you can't keep up with a Gary Pinkel press conference while playing a game of Octodad, you're not fit to be a journalist at any level. Someone would definitely bring a grill, and someone else would definitely try to grill a laptop on it.

We'll probably need one of those cool old Holidome Holiday Inns with the combo indoor/outdoor pools, and then we'll definitely need to book The Alabama Shakes or Mortal Komband to play it. We could probably even get Pat Dye or Barry Switzer to hang out with us---not because they want to be there, but because we would first lie to them, and then give them free booze and hope the latter's pleasures outweighed the former's treachery. (It would.)

This is going to have to happen. ALT SEC MEDIA DAYS, AKA HACKAPALOOZA. Let's get to planning. It'll be like regular SEC Media Days, but without the bullshit, and with blackjack and hookers.