IS THIS WHAT WE WANT LOVEMAKING TO BE?

Girl, lemme put on some music and make it right for you.

Ah, baby. That's so much better now, isn't it? All this hurryin' goin' on. Rushin' around. Goin' as fast as you can. Life's so short! The last thing you want to do is hurry the good things like football, well-cooked beef, and the act of love.

Why, look at the way the earth moves. The earth ain't in a hurry, but ohhhhh baby, when it gets to grindin' it can move mountains. And when it goes too fast? Well, that's when people get hurt: when you go too fast.

A recent study said that going fast in football causes more injuries. I did that study, and I'd share the data with you except I don't have any, and am just gonna assume this for a lot of reasons. One of those is definitely not that I have no data. I do, it's just that numbers aren't sexy, and are for nerds.

Unless they support my point. But shhhhhh, baby. Shhh.

Why don't you just look at the dinner I made?

The dinner we're gonna make, I mean. No hurry, mind you. We have to get started. If we get it cleaned and slaughtered, we might have it ready by dawn. If you're wondering what we can do in the meantime, well, I have some ideas.

[raises eyebrows for five seconds]

[lowers slowly for five seconds]

[repeats]

And hurrying up isn't hard to defend. I promise it isn't, it's just that...well, to quote a fellow coach in my neighborhood, is that what we want football to be? All this hurrying?

I can hardly get a linebacker into a killing position where he can easily sight up a running back in 12 seconds. My safety scarcely has time to decide where he's going to put the crown of his helmet. Do you know how hard it is to play football when you're winded? I have it on good record that in old Harvard/Yale games they'd stop for breathing breaks, and sometimes to chase off rabid dogs that wandered onto the field.

You only have to do that at Indiana now, but that's the Big Ten for you.

Oh, before I forget, I got a special drink for a very special occasion.

Oh, when do we open them? It should be ready in a few weeks. But we're not in a hurry about anything around here.

I would say I can't wait for our love-making session time event, baby. But I can. That's the point. Even if it's a matter of rules, don't you want to stretch out every football play, every caress of the pigskin? Do you rush through an Enrique Iglesias album? Do you run through Dollywood? Does a skunk run from its own stink? That's not a Houston Nutt metaphor there, but you make your own connections if you want to, fans. I'm just spitballing here.

Here, put this on.

No, wear the helmet, too. I've got a Space Camp scenario planned for us. By the way, you wouldn't think that's the way the Space Shuttle actually worked, but I know a guy who worked at NASA and he said they left the keys in that thing all the time. It's gonna take days to get that off of you. You might want to plug it into a secondary air supply system or something. You know: for lovin', and also because suffocating at any speed is NOT sexy.

The point is that even if it's allowed by the rules, it's not in the spirit of the game to hurry up a good thing. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

That's taking advantage of the rules in a way this smooth, 48 hour lover never would.

Now let's put on that space helmet, shoot this cow, and start that movie.

I've heard it's 50 hours long and amazing.

Just like me, girl.

Just like me.