THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/19/2013

HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW. That's misleading, because it suggests announcer Wes Durham has passed away, but it's also true, because Wes Durham no longer has to watch Georgia Tech games. We wish Durham the best in whatever his next venture is, and now the best part about Yellowjacket football is (checks list) huh. Shallots? This might be my grocery list.

YOU GOTTA SPEND MONEY TO LOSE TO BALL STATE. Two billion dollars plus from student fees wound up in the coffers of athletics departments in 2011, with students at schools lower on the NCAA food chain footing the bill at much higher rates. It's just like George Washington said in his first inaugural address: "Being poor sucks, yo."

I BET HE LIED ABOUT BEING TOO SICK TO HELP ME MOVE, TOO. Johnny Manziel is the worst Heisman winner quarterback football player person on Earth, and he will leave you at the altar, A&M fans. (It's a little weird that you're all at an altar wearing wedding gowns. But you do look nice. Except that one guy. An Empire waist? With your figure? Good heavens.)

START COLLECTING CANNED GOODS NOW. If Art Briles finds a defense, the laws of man will be abandoned for pure chaos.

MIKE LEACH IS THE BEST AT OREGON TRAIL. He fords rivers. He fixes broken axles. He cures measles. He catches 500 pound fish. And he carries all five hundred pounds back to the wagon.

OH LOOK A LIST. Did you know that all lists are intentionally wrong in some way? And that it's your job to figure out how? And loudly announce why the list is wrong? It is your most sacred duty as an Netizen.

ETC. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop huffing paint. Fearless Leader's guest appearance on Will Leitch's podcast is really just a ruse to create WILL LEITCH, CROSSFIT BRAINWASHEE. Stoichiometry ain't nuthing ta fuck wit.