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FETCH MY CLUTCHING PEARLS. Johnny Manziel continues to baffle Heisman scientists, acting all stupid and impulsive as if he's just some standard 20 year old. "This is our first trophy that hasn't granted the holder great maturity and wisdom," remarked Dr. Teamfirst. "The 28 grams of characterium we put in the base are usually more than enough to counteract the normal idiocy of being a college student, but Manziel...he's special, I guess."

DICHOTOMIES ARE OFTEN INACCURATE. That being said, there is one clean division of the world's population: those who are keen to throw down and those who are not. Bouncers? Bouncers are definitely in the former category. The Gator Nation is everywhere, but everywhere means even in bad places, like county jail or illegal jai alai games or Hungry Howie's.

Oh, wait. We thought of a second dichotomy: people who can get away with going by just their first name and people who can't. "I AM ANTONIO" is the moment where you should realize you're not in Group 1.

FIND THE COMMON GROUND. In a world that can take almost everything from you, whether you're ready or not, whether you deserve it or not, it's important to hold on to what makes us human: Tex-Mex.

ROLL CRUDITES. Committing to Alabama if you're a talented high school athlete is not particularly interesting these days. That's why you have to jazz it up by tricking people into thinking it's an open house. One minute, they're all "so is this travertine in the half bath" and the next you're throwing a Crimson Tide onesie on their kid. How does Alabama keep up this breakneck recruiting pace anyways?

Someone's going to be conceived in that waterfall. That someone will later become Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE LOCKERSEX B. HOUNDSTOOTH.

MARK EMMERT HAS HEARD YOUR COMPLAINTS. You did say you wanted more committees that didn't technically have any power but hey free catered lunch, right?

THE ANSWER IS NEVER. The questions are "when is it too early for bowl predictions" and "when should I hold back from screaming about how this June bowl prediction doesn't put my beloved Florida State in the national title game y'all some haters."

ETC. College football is never the dumbest. Floridians will harass anything, living or non. Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp!