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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/14/2013

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HE'S RIGHT, BECAUSE SABAN'S SECRET ISTHAT HE'S ALWAYS ANGRY

Aaron M. Sprecher

GIG 'EM FOREVER, YOU BOWTIED GENIUS. R. Bowen Loftin, you're next up on Nick Cannon's Wild 'n Out and OH SNAP YOU WON THE WHOLE SHOW IN THREE SECONDS--

Loftin straightened his bowtie, slammed the mike stand to the ground, and then Crip Walked his way off the stage as E-40 fell down in front of Rob Hoffman in approval.

THAT TREND IS NOT AS FESTIVE AS WE LIKE. Oh, do we love Dana Holgorsen, and oh, do the numbers look daunting for West Virginia this year in terms of replacing offensive production and creating something like consistent defensive presence throughout the season. But that's the way Dana likes it, and that's why he's taken the seatbelts out of his car. And yours, because you need to let go of fear, and hold this beer while he drives.

HAVE FIREFIGHTING PLANES JUST DROP WATER ON UGA/CLEMSON. If things weren't already going to be a total shootout between two teams with superb offenses and middling to rebuilding defenses, UGA just lost promising incoming freshman corner Reggie Wilkerson to an ACL injury. That is unfortunate. The prospect of a 52-48 terror on opening weekend, however, is not.

DAMN, THAT IS A BIGASS MIDDLE SCHOOLER. If he continues to grow at this rate, Mack Brown will have offered his first 468 pound safety. (Who will go somewhere else, and play some other position.)

SO GLAD WE PAID FOR THAT. The delightful economics of the college bowl system bite Florida squarely in the ass (again.) Teddy Bridgewater probably found $5 million in gold bullion in the locker room. (And was chased unsuccessfully by this man, because no one not wearing a UConn jersey catches Teddy B.)

ETC: Preach, Matt Barkley. Matt Crossman's piece on how NASCAR driving saved his daughter is awesome, and not just because it details the time Carl Edwards jumped a rental car 45 feet out of the Daytona tunnel.