THE CURIOUS INDEX, 05/08/2013

KIRK FERENTZ WANTS TO AMORTIZE THAT ASS. USA Today has updated its database on college athletic department finances, and we're not saying Kansas State is a pyramid scheme but yeah Kansas State may be a pyramid scheme.

BILL C. DOING WORK. Using advanced statistical models, we've finally been able to prove that you should pass on third down instead of running the ball. We will now watch 78 straight minutes of draw plays to remember that football is about THINKIN' WITH YER GUT.

CHOOSE YOUR MEME. Herschel Walker's nephew, a top ten tight end recruit, has turned down the University of Georgia. Turn to page 18 if Mark Richt Has Lost Control. Turn to pages 67-72 if Herschel Walker's Multiple Personalities. Turn into a parked cop car if Scooter Joke.

CONCEPTION IS THE MOMENT AT WHICH YOU CAN SIGN A LOI. Dan Mullen knows this and is taking advantage accordingly.

ILLINOIS IS MISSiNG AN OBVIOUS SOLUTION HERE. You can keep hashing things out with the Peoria, or you can call up Phife Dawg and embrace your new role as the Fighting Tribe Called Quest.

ETC. Fearless Leader gets all gussied up. NEVER MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY. ALSO NEVER MOVE TO HOUSTON. Play this song at every interview for a job you're not qualified to get.