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SHE'S GONE. Goodbye, first half of the offseason. We had such plans for you - books to read, projects to tackle, personal fitness to rediscover - and yet here we are, just as dumb and lazy and fat as always. Let go and let gout!

BECAUTH YOUR KITH ITH ON MY LITHT. Lou Holtz Kissing Booth wasn't among the features publicly described for the proposed renovations of Notre Dame Stadium, and for good reason - the element of surprise is always far, far sexier.

MIAMI CAN'T GO FOR THAT. Renovations of Sun Life Stadium, on the other hand, seem unlikely at the moment. Jeffrey Loria would like to remind you that Marlins Park is available for corporate events, birthday parties, and college football games. What happens when one of the goalposts is a rotating dolphin sculpture? The greatest Wide Right ever, that's what.

SABAN SMILE. He's there for all of your momentous occasions, because you promised him your firstborn if he could win back to back titles and he intends to collect. (He is in your hamper right now.)

WATCH OUT BOY, HE'LL CHEW YOU UP. Dennis Franchione gets himself a five year extension at Texas State, and, after some careful calculations, we estimate the chances Franchione fulfills this contract at 3 to Nope.

YOU'RE OUT OF TOUCH. It seems safe to assume Joker has the Arkansas UFO flying at an extreme angle because Bret Bielema intends to be the first American to DUI in space. Russia always did beat us to the good stuff.

YOU CAN RELY ON THE OLD MAN'S MONEY. Have you donated to the EDSBS Charity Bowl yet? Because I'm substantially certain we can raise $20,000 and get a ten track EVERY JOEL SHOULD BE BILLY JOEL album out of Fearless Leader.

ETC. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. GIRL YOU KNOW YOU BETTER - WATCH OUT. Fif. Teen. Pounds. Of. BEES.