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OHIO STATE VERSUS THE SEC'S TOP SIX: HYPOTHETICALIZING

EVEN ALABAMA COULDN'T DO IT, BUT COULD OHIO STATE, BRO?

By Spencer Hall
Joe Robbins

Well, let's see about that 2012 hypothetical.

OHIO STATE versus ALABAMA. There is someone who believes Ohio State legitimately stood a chance against last year's Alabama team. They will tell you how Braxton Miller is a mobile quarterback, and that mobile quarterbacks have given Alabama fits in other matchups. They will cite the improved performance of the defense throughout the year. Mentions may be made of the cold, and how SEC teams just can't cope with the conditions Big Ten teams face week in and week out in the savage cold of the great, frozen north.

Then you'll remind them how Ohio State almost lost to Indiana. Then they will call you gay, and refuse to share any of their protein shake with you, and screw you dude, he's going to the gym where he can't tell you how this game would look like a truck full of live chickens thrown into a jet engine. The gym: because the sign only said to wipe sweat off the machines, and tears are not sweat.

OHIO STATE versus GEORGIA. Man, when Jarvis Jones missed on that zone read it'd be hilarious, you're thinking. Yes, but Jarvis Jones' neat solution for reading the zone read was pretty funny, too: tackling the living hell out of everyone within arm's reach, and thus bringing the whole backfield to a stop at once.

Have you ever seen Aaron Murray play quarterback, Ohio State? Have you ever seen a sword cut the rain that falls in the afternoon of the mind, or the bamboo that sways whistling in the breezes of the soul? No? Neither have we, but we've seen Aaron Murray play quarterback, and it's about as describable and predictable as any of those Taoist mind-erasers we just dropped on you. Georgia might win this game. They might lose this game. Either way, just know that these teams have only played once in the 1993 Citrus Bowl, and that Ohio State lost 21-14 to a team coached by Ray Goff.

Raayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Goooffffffffffffffffff.

[live crow falls out of tree]

[hits ground as dead crow]

OHIO STATE versus SOUTH CAROLINA. This will void your Braxton Miller warranty. Do you want to continue? (The state of South Carolina only recognizes Visigothic Code as accepted law, and even then only does so on Mondays and Thursdays.) Say you beat South Carolina. Fine, that's great. Nobody will give you the credit you're hoping for, because South Carolina is everything to nobody and nothing to everyone else.

For further fun, let's remember the time South Carolina beat them in the Outback Bowl with the top high school recruit from Ohio, Ryan Brewer.

The name of that highlight video of an Ohio State loss to historically horrendous South Carolina: "Ohio State OWNed the SEC ten years ago too." Psychosis is one of our most underdiagnosed mental health conditions.

OHIO STATE versus TEXAS A&M. Johnny Manziel versus that linebacking corps is an entire 48 pages of script from The Purge deemed too violent for anyone's consumption. Braxton Miller would have had some moments, and congratulations, Nick Saban: this is actually an entertaining matchup to think about, mostly because of quarterbacks levitating six inches off the turf and completing long scrambles for TDs untouched. The Aggies like horses, and tOSU gymbros like the lean protein and economy pricing of horsemeat. Let's make this natural marriage of market forces happen.

OHIO STATE versus LSU. "So they can run the ball," you scoff. "Who cares? That's B1G shit, and B1G shit we can handle." That's one possibility, sure. The other is that you get shredded by Zach Mettenberger, and then you have to wander the Earth, constantly dying but never finally dead, even when the sun collapses into itself. Such is the Mettenbergering, and if you think it can't happen to someone as brilliant as Urban Meyer, give him a picture of 2008 Jevan Snead and watch his skin start falling off in clumps.

OHIO STATE versus FLORIDA. The TEAM THAT ALMSOST LOST TO INDIANA meets THE TEAM THAT HAD TO BLOCK A KICK TO BEAT UL-LAFAYETTE in THE GAME THAT HAPPENED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE/LEAKED THROUGH THE WALLS SEPARATING OUR WORLDS/CAUSED THE BLACK DEATH OF THE FOURTEENTH CENTURY.

Thought we would bring up the 2006 title game, Buckeyes? Oh, not if you'll spare us mentions of the 2011 Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl. But you won that game, you say incredulously. That is where you fail: no one wins in a game like that, and humanity takes a loss as a whole. "Low Rot Bag" is an anagram for Gator Bowl, and yes your testicles are like that forever now.